A while back Old Knudsen was in the little Scottish town of Troon, and who should I happen to hobble into but wee Johnny Adair, you may know him as the Ulster paramilitary leader known as Mad Dog who is thought to have bravely ordered the deaths of up to 40 catholics.
Well Johnny having made enemies on the protestant and catholic sides fled to England but then got into trouble for beating up his lovely wife in a public park, so he took the handful of hair he had pulled out of her head and moved on to Troon to live in peace, must be nice to have that option, unlike the 40 catholics.
I've known Johnny since he was a wee dog, a bit yappy maybe but not mad, he'd call me uncle Knudsen, I'd visit his family on the Shankill road in Belfast and Johnny would entertain us with song and dance, he'd love to sing songs from Carousel and Oklahoma and just loved Gordon MacRae, he had pictures covering his bedroom wall, we all thought that wee Johnny would turn out to be a big star on the stage.
Time went on as it does, and Johnny kept turning up at my home, it was like I had 3 sons instead of 2. The then Madam Knudsen couldn't stand him, said he was creepy. Things got a little strange between Johnny and my son Trevor and after an all mighty fight Johnny ran off in tears and I didn't see him again for years, Trevor said that he had complimented him on his muscular shoulders once too often.
It was like one of those M. Night Shak a lak movies , Old Knudsen had flashes of all the odd and flamboyant ways of Johnny, or of Billy Bigelow as he preferred to be called, my god, Johnny Adair was a shirt lifting bum bandit.
Spurned by Trevor, wee Johnny got mixed up in the sectarian troubles of Ulster, he got into drug dealing as most paramilitaries do, he was angry with the world, and angry with himself, he was in denial, he even married and had 4 children.
He became a leader in the UFF or Ulster Freedom Fighters and was sent to prison because of it, then a whole new world was pried apart for him, the world of prison gay.
He took to it like a judge to Vodka, he could he tough and still take it up the ass, like the navy but not so much seamen.
That wanker Tony Blair let all the terrorists out in 1999 in the hope to foster peace, heres an idea Tony, execute all the terrorists that sounds more sensible.
Out of the Maze prison came a different Johnny Adair, he was more relaxed, tanned and had built his body up like a bodybuilder, he was still a screaming homo, now he was accepted by the others, the muscles the overly tight t-shirts and the bling bling gave the impression of a gay pirate.
He stirred up hatred as usual, he missed the sexual freedom of prison, he got angry with his wife, you know, the usual issues and his lack of focus made enemies of his old friends and the Shankill became a place of danger for him.
Well Johnny seems more relaxed, he now shares a cottage with Ripper MacGee the Shankill Cannibal, but nothing goes on of course, when he saw Old Knudsen his face went pure red, he put his head down and walked on, that's when Old Knudsen burst into song,"Oh what a beautiful morning oh what a beautiful day, I've got a wonderful feeling Mad Dog Adair is so gay", I suspect he won't be staying in Troon too long.
