The reason I haven't been about for a while is because with Steve Fossett on the lam Richard Branson picked on me to be his new mate for useless endeavours. I just completed a solo round the world viewing of the film Cunt Gushers 4 'the search for yoda' 42 cuntries with only one piss break at each showing.
Hey! don't go calling me ghey for pay if you want yer rent paid you had better pretend to enjoy it when a millionaire kisses you.
I got home and as soon as I did the nice couple across the road decided to move hoose. What a shame. It seems that some dirty cunt has been spying on the wife through the window and once broke in while they were out and sniffed her gunties..................... probably. Fucking stalkers huh they should all be shot.
Who the fuck would stalk her in her wee short shorts she wears every Tuesday night for step aerobics?Get over yerself woman you aren't all that.
Since cumming to this cuntry I've put on a few pounds and my health has declined. I won't blame the sugar filled food, bad air and bad water its probably Global warming out to get me.
I sat on my lounger in the front garden and leered er I mean watched the neighbours load up their stuff. They kept looking over at me for some reason I wasn't going to help them I've a bad back. I did notice that the woman does tend to cry a lot how annoying that must be.
So I sat there soaking up the vitamin D from the sun and drank my can of Fanta Orange for me vitamin C, I have to look after meself you know. I refuse to start drinking lite beer I might as well go back to drinking my own piss.
I have compromised and have started smoking Marlboro lights to cut back on the calories that way.
I was sitting there and then some cunt blocked my sunlight. Oh fuck I had been trapped out in the open by two Mormons.
Ok I shall have intercourse with these nice young men. They noticed I had an accent and asked if I knew about Mormons. I said yes you cum over to the UK to save us heathens all the time.
The talker was a young white blonde fella and the usual quiet one was either Hispanic or Chinese, hard to tell sometimes.
To mix things up a little I told them I was a Voodoo priest which is actually true as I became one over the Interweb and have performed many sacrifices.
He went on to tell me that God was perfect and that he has a plan for us all. I told him that God was not perfect as I know the fella and if he is perfect then he is a cunt and should kill all the pedos as he has the power.
He frowned as he stood there sweating and went on about personal responsibility and free choice.
I said so Eve bit the apple and was cursed with labour pain as is all of weeman kind, how is it their choice? why should they be punished for her mistake if they all have the choice to make?
He sweated more as his pre-prgrammed answers floated around his head, God is a parent and tells his children of the rules.
I just love the father argument.......... I said as a parent you don't put temptation in the way of children sometimes you have to choose for them, besides God raped Mary and left his son to die on the cross hardly a good parent.
The sweat dripped more and the frown increased but still he was going to save me even though I had been born, reborn, converted and aborted many a time.
Then he said Jesus knew the plan and agreed to go to the cross.
I said, did he not say, "Oh dad why have you forsaken me?" that implies that God told him a plan in which he would be busted off the cross instead of being left to suffer to death.
The Hispanic Chinese guy was getting fidgety and said well we can't change your mind on this but was cut off by the master race guy.
He told me about their modern day prophet and I said he was in a cult just like the Catholic church. He then went on to talk about Salt lake city and I said about all the Indians they killed to get that land. He looked sad and said yes we did kill Indians.
I asked so is it ok to kill in the name of god then? and asked if someone broke into my hoose to harm my family and I killed them would I go to Hell?
He said some gibberish about its not thou shall not kill its thou shall not murder, the translation was wrong........... handy that.
I learned that they go out on a mission to spread the word of God for 2 years and pay money for that privilege which says it all there, they are idiots and don't laugh about Joesph Smith pulling out secret dogma from a hat and wearing magic glasses and certainly don't compare him to Harry Potter they don't like that.
The blonde guy told me how much he loved to spread the word and wanted to hand me a card. So that was it, handing out a card was the deal breaker they wouldn't leave until I took one must be a rule they have.
I looked at the card and it had their temple on it. The blonde guy boasted about how it took 40 years to build, I said what a waste of money and what better use it could have went to. Jesus never built a temple or Francis of fucking Assisi they preached where they stood.
Master race guy then went on about how it had to be a perfect place of worship as God deserves the best.
I tried to get into Lucifer being cast out for the sin of pride and how two faced God must be or the Mormons must be the cult of Satan but the two lads had to go, what a shame I was enjoying myself.
Mormons may be dumb as a box of frogs but they are nice polite people and not as bad as Jehovah witnesses. I have planted my seeds of doubt into one young fella maybe he'll start to think for himself someday.
I did miss all the bending over and lifting of boxes though that was annoying.
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