The miracle of the resurrection explained as found in the undead sea scrolls.
"Jesus! get the door will ya? its Issac from the block looking to get healed".
"Verily I shall open the door Peter known as Paul Simon for if they knock then it shall be answered, unless I'm at the shops. What manner of ailment does Issac have?"
"The silly cunt was scratched by a rage infected helper monkey and it totally fcuked up his complexion."
Jesus opens the door
"Ah Issac I hear you caught something off your monkey you dirty boy, ah yes thanks for the hug I love you too, AAHHH!! whats with the fcuking biting man? ya took a chunk out of my fcuking neck. PETER Issacs a fcuking nutcase deity down I repeat deity down !"
Peter leaps over the couch he was lying on, sword drawn ready for action
"Fcuk with my peeps I'll fcuk you up man."
Slices into Issac's neck, head goes thud onto the ground
"Fcuk, fcuk fcuk I'm bleedin " cried Jesus.
Peter looks down at the wriggling son of god, "why don't you just heal yourself?"
Jesus stares up through watery eyes, "why don't you fcuk off, its harder than it looks, ah fcuk I think Judas saw you chopping Issac we'd better get this body moved or the Romans will be round FCUK THIS HURTS!!!!"
"Ah Jesus you'd better go and change your robes we're eating out at the Olive Garden tonight, ya know the last supper before John, Tom, Ringo and Mat go off to college."
Which explains how Jesus came back to life after being proper killed by the Romans and at fcuking Easter time too, bad luck mate. Then he got beamed up to Heaven but before he went he made the promise, "I'll be back".
WITH HIS ARMY OF ZOMBIE ANGELS!
