That Will Teach Them.

"Are you sure this would of happened in the 18th century?" "oh yes laddy time to feel the burn."

I read the headline "Tough justice for ASBOs at museum." Now an ASBO for dirty foreigners means Anti-Social Behaviour Order which is a court order to cease certain activities such as vandalism, theft, begging or in the past a 13-year-old forbidden to use the word "grass" a 17-year-old forbidden to use his front door also an 87-year-old man ordered not to shout, swear or make "sarcastic remarks to neighbours or their visitors which really did spoil my fun those fucking cunts .

I thought ah finally they are cutting thumbs off hoods that graffiti or kneecapping joyriders yes, my letters have been read by Blair who wants to sort out the cuntry before he leaves, ah no amount of ghey English education and a posh soft southern accent can take his Scottish blood and passion away .

Alas what they are now doing is taking offenders to the York Dungeon Museum to see what grisly punishment they would have faced had they been alive in the 18 th century, back when the punishment fitted the crime not a good fit but better than today.

No not a waste of tax payers money at all, I'm sure yer average 17 year-old chav was really shaken up by a history lesson he had no interest in or else he would have actually went to school. I'm sure they are having a good old time seeing how soft modern day law is and how oh no we don't want to offend a criminal by hanging them for murder, those graffiti tagging wankers, yes including that Banksy cunt would have been hung for that back then, art my arse the Fenians in the Maze prison were just as artistic when they smeared their shite on the walls.......... someone else's wall too.

The 'Bloody Code' was introduced in 1783 and had 220 crimes to die for.
Other death sentences would be given for shooting a rabbit, adopting a disguise and impersonating a Chelsea Pensioner Stealing a pocket handkerchief, horse stealing,buggering dead Frenchmen ,damaging a public building,threatening violence to those in duty of the king and offences against civilian residents and being Welsh while intoxicated.

A Chelsea Pensioner is a military veteran who lives in the Royal Hospital Chelsea back in the day when service men and weemen had value and we were grateful.

Chelsea Pensioners talking about the war probably.

Since hanging was abolished in 1969 the ABSO was seen as a serious crime deterrent, they were first used in York and now its estimated that 75% of ABSO's in York are broken .

To cut doon on prison overcrowding rapists are to be made to swear on the Bible not to do it again and asked to report to a police station every 6 months if they have time to spare and they're in the vicinity. Child molesters are to be sentenced to work with children to teach them empathy and put something back into that community and serial killers are to be given a jolly good talking to.

Repeat offenders that are still in prison along with celebrity's who drink while driving will have their spa time cut doon and their cable package reduced to 108 channels, this will make prison a cruel and hard place to be and make them think twice.

Talk About Things, Like A Shag In The Park.

Lynn asked me for a straight answer as to what I do all day, I thought that was a very strange question, do I cum off looking anything but straight ? besides the Bangkok gurlyboy that became wife # 5 I think it was oh and those times I was drunk and lonely at sea I am 100% straight, no offense to my poofer fans but I'm doing it fer the ladies 24/7. Still attention is attention.
Here is an insight into my day, I will take questions at the end which I shall promptly avoid.
I woke up got out of bed and dragged a comb across my head, sorry I left out waking with my usual giant erection, its the Eiffel Tower made out of mashed potato, takes up half the room but I like it and so do the rats, yes I do wake up full of the horn, so I fondle myself for a while and then say "that would make a good post" I talk to myself alot, it keeps me sane.
Jutting out of the Eiffel Tower is the desk that sits my computer, I do live alone but get broken into by Slavic Gypsies who look to do the jobs we are too lazy to do and to steal our white weemen a lot so this is the only safe place.
I check my e-mails, I always have tons, lots from heads of State from around the world asking advice, I have to be careful with what I say as I am connected to the old CIA Interweb , its a small price for cheap access, but don't joke to Americans about WMD's they aren't the sharpest plate in the cupboard and will sometimes miss the joke they are eaves dropping in on, sorry Saddam, those Yanks are so literally minded sometimes.
I enter myself for Blogs of note, send off my e-mail to the BBC about an Old Knudsen sitcom and I work on the movies Disney want me to do, Poo Pirates of the Caribbean about this black gurl called Pearl who dresses up as a lad and serves aboard a ghey Pirate ship and goes in search of Pirate Booty. My other two are for Pixar, animated crap but with an edge, 'Finding Abso' and 'Its a Thugs life', both about life on the street but with cute animals that talk, don't judge me, I have to live too. I then knock out 35 posts, 3 of which may make it to the Blog, the rest being crap I give to some of my fellow Bloggers for them to use.
I then read my very favourite Blogs, Old Bitter Balls, Fake Old Man Balls and Old Knudsen then its time for breakfast.
A pack of fags, fry up , 6 cans of Bass and a cup of tea then I'm set.
I sneak out the back door as that Kieran fella keeps hanging around the front to ask me questions about the war, he says hes writing a book but always keeps his hands in his trouser pockets like hes looking for change, a strange boy.
I sit in the library for an hour or two as the invisible moth demons won't follow me in there and I observe human behaviour and shush people, my book collection has increased 10 fold since I started going there, free books, wheres the profit to be made there?
On a side note as it didn't happen in a Library but I heard the song "brown eyed gurl" being used as a ring tone, no remarks about rectums please or I'll have to ask you ta leave, Van Morrison is one of them singers people say they like so as to appear as if they have taste, but if you had taste you wouldn't have a ring tone blaring because its not very fucking cool and how deaf are you?
After I get my books for the day I head over to the high school and watch the fights at break time and maybe place the odd bet with the teachers, if I remember my white coat I may make the rounds at the local hospital and then its off to work.
I never told any of you but I found this part time job that allows me to indulge in my passion of helping people, I work at the 'Ohhmm well being clinic' as a Life coach, could you all not tell that I was getting softer? also by getting in touch with my feminine side I've been able to pick up more birds Ka-Chow!
The odd week end I work the Ohhmm well being suicide chat line, hot line was too urgent and scary for our people, anyway what a load of depressing cunts that phone up that number but once they call me they never phone back. Telling them to snap out of it and fuck off seems to work, don't try to chat those ones up, theres a reason they phone up that line, and its always during my fucking lunch break. I answer and pretend to be a recording, I crack myself up.
Most of my nights end in drinking and bed wetting and making the leaning tower of Pizza out of mashed potato, not pizza, get it? that's irony my friend try it sometime.
Sometimes my life involves cheap hookers, dead bodies to dispose of and fisting Kav but mostly its the same stuff that others do. I'm sure everyone sees a packet of Kellogg Corn Flakes on the shelf of a super market and has flashbacks to the war and goes on a spree of destruction. Well I hope this gives you insight to the everyday life of Old Knudsen I'm just normal.
Now for some messages to some people I know.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: the Israel thing was funny but enoughs enough.

George W Bush: you know the asking price and no I don't take cheques.

Mike Read: you were a crap DJ and TV presenter, Mayor of London is the job for you.

Senator John McCain: are you ghey? cos you'll have a mandate in 2008 Mr Preez.

Marti Pellow: Good on ya lad, see? I told you, you could sing but Van Morrison? how pretentious .

Fidel Castro: What did you call my mother? that's it you and me outside.

Edward Norton: look at Dennis Quad's career, look familiar? pick yer films better, you started out so well.

Brittany: stop sending pictures of it to me, its like Africa big and dirty and no one in their right mind wants to go there.

Jools Holland: have I told you today that you're a wanker and you smell like Brittany's Africa ?