What The Fuck Was That?

"Do you think hes dead? go on hit him again."

Did ya ever see the show about the ghost hunters from TAPS (The Atlantic Paranormal Society) plumbers by day up to their elbows in shit and hairy clogs and bane of the spirit world by night not giving those poor spirits any peace, so do ghosts not cum out during the day? I wonder what they do, blog maybe?

Jason Hawes is the big baldy guy that looks like he'd be more at home on The Shield beating up pimps a real alpha male with a deep voice and Boston attitude, his partner Grant Wilson is the more approachable looking Bill Pullman type who is a fully trained Italian chef, both seem like nice guys but you know Yanks, they have to let themselves doon, they do this by a celebratory bumping of fists after each job well done, what are ya too cool for a high fives? and stop calling everyone "bro."

They have various plebs to do the grunt work for them, the most notable would be Brian, a dopey twat that was always about to get fired in the first couple of shows. Play the Brian game, everytime he asks, "did you see that?" or "what was that?" knock back a shot, and if he swears and runs out of the building screaming like a gurl do two. I'm pretty sure that off camera he gets smacked on the back of the head a lot.

His catchphrase became the ever so professional "Dude run."

He reminds me of a guy I know when I used to work in Tillyman's fish and chip shop. I had gone in on my day off to meet someone "Spence" was mopping the floor while walking backwards, and had a dopey grin on his semi retarded face and was singing, "Do you take it in the mouth Mrs Murphy?" I should have told him about the female customer behind him but no I'm a cunt , he ran the mop over her shoe and stocking while singing his lovely song.

I believe Brian left the show but came back for a bit, oh the drama .Then there is Steve, a heavily tatooed ex peeler afraid of spiders and flying, he always seems to be pondering something by the expression on his face and you expect him to finish each sentence with "hmmm." Dave tango is the permanent rookie type with the well groomed shapely eyebrows.

There are others who whip their heads round at every little sound and raise eyebrows.

The budget got bigger an office and SUVs were purchased, Jason grew a goatee and now looks like his own evil twin and they got a piece of totty, a young lady named Kris who looks good on camera but looks like she is ready to cry at any moment and needs a big strong man for protection, telling a ghost about how an ex boyfriend used to bite yer legs is just inappropriate, the dead hookers were probably thinking, "get some backbone, this was our living you had a choice."

I like the show, I don't like the way sci-fi teases you with every gasp and then goes to a break, it has been called pseudo science and the sounds they record are just terrible, they can be anything. What the fuck do experts know that these amateurs don't? how many times did the ghostbusters cross streams? its like a heart monitor, just because yer wearing it doesn't mean something will happen.

Some of the things that Taps capture on camera cannot be easily explained away. Similar things that many of us have seen with our own eyes.

The definition of Paranormal is: giving "seeing things" a better name so others don't think yer crazy.

I laugh when I hear people say, "I don't believe in ghosts, why haven't I seen any?" thats like wondering why a brick can't compose a beautiful symphony.

Some people are too um dull, mundane and immersed in their own bubble to notice anything, the only ghost they would see is a Scooby Doo ghost and we all know that's just a person wearing a mask.

Everything is energy, life is energy, when we die it goes elsewhere depending on the wiring. Think of people as radios, all tuned into to different stations, some are just stuck on one channel and that's all they know but others have seen that there are more channels than most people even know about and they pick up things others don't.

You don't have a choice about the next song played on the station or you'll just hear it as background noise and hardly pay it attention. Then you'll just catch yerself, "was that turning Japanese?" I haven't heard that in ages.

Anyway shit happens around us all the time. Just because you can't hear it doesn't mean a tree isn't talking to you. It does take things like electrical equipment to pick it up like cameras and tape recorders, remember when they made the machine to hear plants scream when you cut off its leaves?

On the Ghosthunters show they went to Lisheen ruins in Ireland, the worse thing about that show was how everyone and their dog spelt "Rath" (which means fort) as "Wrath" its like when Yanks say Celtic as Seltic.

It was creepy there as it was famous for its fairy activity , no not blokes in belly tops shouting "Go Gurl" and not tinker fucking bell.

The fairies/gentry/wee folk/Fey whatever can be good or bad just like people they were formerly what we call Pagan gods but after the Milesians from Europe who are now the Irish defeated them the Fey went underground to live no longer as gods because the Gods of the Milesians now replaced them but as cruel looking caricatures of themselves such as Leprechauns.

That Fenian cocksucker Patrick didn't help either, after him and the Romans got rid of all the Druids the Fey were doomed.

Pissed off rightly they are so when a big baldy Yank comes round to their Rath, no showing respect they will go after you, in my opinion the Ghosthunters were extremely close to being fucked with big time.

There are things out there Mulder, things that go bump in the night, ghosts are nothing, most are just replays in time fixed on an area waiting for the perfect storm of time and conditions and someone there that can see them, if no one is there I'm sure they still turn up, I know cos I wasn't there once.

Some ghosts can interact with you, maybe they don't know they are dead or just have issues still to resolve, then there are the spirits and actual entities . I have all ready covered the Fey, they are worldwide,and have lots of branches to their family the good ones don't make dreams come true but they don't fuck you up unless you mess with them, the bad ones get you when you get their attention, you don't want to do that, a killer picking a victim or a pedo singling out one child in a playground.

Many reasons to get noticed, your own energy for one, several spirits feed on fear and depression and when yer doon you shine like a beacon for them, or if they think yer ready to crack they will help you, whispering their hateful words to you that you don't even hear but become yer own thoughts, blinding you with their empty darkness.

If you pray, do magic or dabble with Quigi boards that is also a beacon or you shouldn't have gone where you did.

We are surrounded by spirits, if you don't know what yer doing I suggest be polite and keep yer distance.

Halloween usually feels no different than any other time to me but I'll play along with the spooky thing, people are too busy thinking about getting sweets and dressing up as twats than preparing to store food for the winter and giving thanks for what the harvest gave them and remembering those passed on. Halloween or Samhain got changed by the Christians who tagged a Christian celebration onto it or nearby it (all souls day or evil dead day I don't know) so the dirty Pagans would join in with the dirty Catholic stuff and eventually phase out the fun sex magick shit, it worked well with Christmas and Easter, you have people painting eggs and putting up trees and not having a clue why, its not like its fun.

If you made it this far without dirty photoshopped pictures well done (skimming doesn't count)

Have fun just don't expect to see any more spirits than usual unless yer pouring them.

Spooky Turds On A Stick

I remember Samhuinn as I grew up in the tiny village of Frigadoon. I'm just going to take it for granted that my readers aren't complete morons and know all about Samhuinn or Samhain ............... ok yer right I had better explain it, slowly and clearly without the use of big words.
means summers end and marks the first day of winter, you'd bring the animals into the shelter of the barn, collect whatever harvest yer growing to feed you and the beasts, collect wood peat or dried shit for burning and get to baking, preserving , slaughtering and salting meat , just getting ready for the winter a head.

We'd have a feast because in November the Faeries blast every living plant with their icy breath.

We would eat nuts and place apples in a bucket of water and dunk for them grabbing them with our mouths, sacrifice homeless people and we would remember those who had passed on to the other world and set out extra food in case they turned up hungry.

You always put food outside for the Faeries to keep them happy , they like Shepherds pie (with real shepherds) or a KFC bargain bucket but no coleslaw, the Roberts next door put out some coleslaw and look at them now, well you can't look at them cos you can't bloody well find them.


In Frigadoon we didn't get many pumpkins, I suppose where ever you are you use what is grown there, my ma used a turnip, she or my da would scoop it out and carve a face on to it to make a small pathetic Jack'O'lantern, then we would be fed turnip with our dinner, fuck I hate turnip. Now when Halloween comes rounds I get the phantom taste of turnip in my mouth of Halloween past

The Irish legend says that the Devil once came to claim the soul of a no-good man named Jack. But Jack outsmarted the Devil several times and stayed alive.
When Jack eventually died, neither heaven nor hell would claim Jack.
Cursed to roam the earth forever, Jack begged the Devil for a live coal to provide light so he could navigate in limbo.

The Devil, was a soft touch when it came to Jack and not such a bad bloke , gave him a piece.

Jack put the coal into a turnip. And Jack is still walking around with his lantern until either heaven or hell will open its door to him.

The Legion is having a scary costume competition, the prize is a bottle of whisky. I think I'll be haunting a few dreams tonight in this outfit.

We never had trick or treat that's some strange American thing designed to make you fat on chocolate, I think that's the way most of their culture is set out, big is better.

My village had an ancient tradition in which Mr Brooks the village cross dresser would put on an old Boggy mask and chase you around the streets and if he caught you he'd give you a right diddling and a lolly pop and told you it was our secret and you'd get bad luck if you told. I was forever getting caught, I ran as fast as I could honestly, I'm surprised I still have all my own teeth as Mr Brooks would give you a massive lolly , one time he caught me but I had just been freshly shaved to get rid of my nits, I only got a candy apple that year.

Note

Samhain was not the fat hobbit and is pronounced "sa-wheen."

For last years timeless Halloween post chock full of sex and violence CLICK HERE.