My good friend Billy one ear was supposed to travel from Killamory to Callyfornia this week and we were going to ingest lots of alcohol and get into fights etc.
Bloody hard to get into a fight over here the men puff up their chests, shout and swear at you but if you indicate that a fight is fine with you they look at you shocked as if you aren't playing the game right and back off.
I've got way too much testosterone for this cuntry.
I was crushed when Billy found out he was on a 'no fly list' due to drunken behaviour and saying the words 'bomb' and 'Allah' .
What was I to do? Well I got a train into LA as its always been my dream to urinate on the Hollywood walk of fame, Clark Gable got most of it.
I then went to a Hollywood eatery to see if I could see any famous people, lucky I still had some of my KFC bargain bucket as the food was pricey in there. No famous people but I did see yer lass Jennifer Aniston.
I'm not too attracted to her to be honest I may have watched Friends once or twice but I liked Chandler and the Fonz in it I think the weemen were mingers.
I did look whenever Jen's nipples poked through her top but that was about it.
I sat there on the patio while she lit up yet another Marlboro lite, she noticed me right off and her nipples suddenly poked out like corks .
I hadn't shot my load for a day maybe two so I said 'what the fuck?' to myself and turned on the charm, " do you mind if I eat while you smoke?" I asked dripping of grease and old Scottish sex appeal, she giggled and said she loved my accent and said she had been to Ireland.
I rolled my eyes and told her I was mostly Scottish and that I may have a quarter pounder with cheese but I was not from the McDonald's clan.
The weemen love that one, she shared my bargain bucket and ordered so wine, fuck this was way too easy I was starting to lose interest, she announced to me that she needed to go to the little girl's room for a pish and when she rose I checked out her arse, yes she did have some junk in the trunk this may not be a total waste of time after all.
She was too tipsy to drive her SUV hybrid so I had a go. I don't have a drivers licence but most Yank cars are idiot cars that are automatic so it was like driving a big bumper car. Nay probs except a load of stupid bastards were driving on the wrong side of the road.
We got to her Hollywood hills home which was very nice I must say, a little messy with pictures of Brad and Angie with their eyes cut out lying all over the place, there was also a lot of pills scattered about on the mirrored table so I nabbed some in case they were some good stuff, I bet they turn out to be stool softeners ah well I need it.
We staggered upstairs she wanted to kiss me I closed my eyes and thought of Sophia Loren.
We ripped our clothes off and I took her doggy style, it was over fast and at least I came which was the point. She wanted to go again but I said no she could squeeze out a hot lunch onto my chest and take pictures for my blog but that was it.
Then I said I'd shag her if she had a paper bag for her head, plastic would do .
I don't understand weemen sometimes as she got very angry (must have been her period) and she demanded I left, "But I haven't had a cup of tea yet" was my reasonable reply but Yanks are coffee drinkers and she didn't understand.
I strapped my wooden leg back on and I left, I would have taken the SUV but the engine had flooded when I mis-took the go pedal for the stop pedal and drove it into her swimming pool .
You live and learn, now I totally get it why Brad dumped her, ugly and crap in bed, I bet Angelina is hot stuff in the sack.
