Weekly News Beating

A chink who had spent 10 years in the clink was freed after the person he was said to have killed turned up.
Zhao Zuohai had a fight with his neighbour, who then disappeared and 18 months later a headless, decomposed body was found .

Since not even the cuff-links can tell each other apart they rely on forensic evidence ....... only kidding they make them drink chilli-tainted water and set off fireworks above their heads to get a confession and Wey Hey justice served on a bed of fried rice.

Zhao was initially sentenced to death had his sentence commuted to 29 years in prison. While he was in jail, his wife remarried and several of his children were adopted.


"Are you lookin at meski?"

Somali pirates really fucked up big time when they captured a Russian oil tanker. A day after their victory A unit of angry drunken Russian special forces 'Spetsnaz' boarded the ship firing 50 cal weapons and Kung-fu kicking skinnies into next week only pausing to light their cigarettes around the highly flammable tanker.

Under strict orders not to kill the 23 hostages they only killed one pirate as they wanted to take the other ten to Moscow to be found guilty but because of the ghey "imperfections" in international law they had to release them.

Visitors to Brazil have been warned about the 'Vlad the impaler' bats which are a cousin of the vampire bat. Mouth covers are advised if sleeping in rural regions of the cuntry.... ha ha made you look.

Lebanon has claimed the latest victory in the continuing battle with Israel by making the largest serving of hummus. Israel responded by sending in fighter jets killing 12 people, later they apologised and said they thought they meant Hamas.


Before make-up and after make-up.

Rumours that David Cameron and Nick Clegg are the same person have been recently circulating the Interweb. When asked for his opinion Gordon Brown texture like sun was quoted as saying, "What utter nonsense" with his mike still connected he went into the restroom for a pish and let off a fart and was heard to say, "Good arse, I thought you were dead." He later had to personally apologise to people who wear colostomy bags.

David Cameron admitted he was Nick Clegg but an hour later denied he was, ach the usual.

If Vladimir Putin was a woman.


He'd be Claire Forlani (pronounced Fullfanny)



Ulster Unionist leader Sir Reg Empy may have been defeated by crazy DUP preacher the Rev William McCrea a Free Presbyterian minister and gospel singer but we all know Mr Burns, er I mean Empy will have his revenge!!!!



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Things That Matter

Hello peeps, I hate the west!

My old friend President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran is giving speeches about the evil west and the rude Americans are walking out, if this wasn't a cuntry full of sand savages that Russia is pretending to denounce Old Knudsen would be worried about yet another silly stone age war.

At least the Yanks (AKA the Great Satan) didn't sit and talk loudly on their mobile phones through it you know what they are like.


In the scheme of things what does it matter? Sarah Michelle Geller had a baby, fucking 'A' as far as Old Knudsen knows its her husband's sprogg which lets me breath easy. Old Knudsen is disgusted as they named the wee fucker Charlotte Grace WTF? There are so many cool names like 'Spud' or 'Turnip petal' but oh no they want a name to get the child bullied at school by the other celeb kids like Sparrow, Princess Tiaamii, Kal-El or Pilot.

16 members of the pop sensation 'al-Qaeda' escaped from a prison north of Baghdad. They lined up and climbed out a bathroom window and then took turns to climb over a ladder propped up against the wall.

What an amazing bit of bad luck, for Iraq that is . Old Knudsen thinks its time they let the cuntry defend itself the training is over they have all the American know how they need.


Fenian cocksuckers otherwise known as the Catholic clergy are back in the news ,10,000 people living in Britain who were brought up in Ireland's schools and orphanages run by Catholic religious orders say they are 'missing out' on any compensation because they fled to the civilised UK . Maybe when the Pope goes to the UK in 2010 he'll have some change on him.


Here is a simulation on Old Knudsen meeting the Pope, don't worry I win in the end by saying, "look a young boy" the holy terror looks and I hit him with a polystyrene rock.

The British/brutish singer Lily Allen says she is giving up singing because most of her wages gets eaten by privacy and I don't mean Johnny Depp. Old Knudsen doesn't do this shit for money hes an artist, learn from me Ms Allen.
I decided against a picture of Lily Allen cos Olivia Wilde is far better to look at.

A Whale Of A Time.

Shes laughing at you man, no shes laughing at the death of history, Eskimo vampires have little or no regard for anything but bad apparel .

A part of an exploding harpoon dating back to 1890 was found in the body of a whale.
The bowhead whale was killed by indigenous hunters off Alaska as part of their subsistence quota.

The bomb like weapon lodged in the shoulder of the whale and went off but didn't seem to bother it too much as it remained alive to this day.

Fuck that must of hurt.

Those indigenous hunters or Eskimos to you and me have been allowed to hunt whales for the last 20 years because its part of their lifestyle, why are they not on reservations? its part of my lifestyle to beat up Catholics but some stupid law says that's wrong, it was ok for Cromwell and Henry the fucking 8th.

Imagine surviving an attack from civilised whaler types like myself only to have some Nan nook of the north in a canoe kill you 100 years later, fuck that whale must have been right pissed off.
I've survived the Crusades, Genghis and Chukka Khan, The charge of the light brigade, Flanders (no not Ned) Dunkirk and Normandy, Nam, Korea town, The Falklands and numerous others, my fear now is falling in the bath and breaking my head which is why I only wash with hand cloths and sand paper.

If I went round slashing up Picasso paintings people would be in an uproar even though he was a shite painter , well this whale was well over 100 years old, it 'was' living history so I say wise the fuck up Nan Nook, its the 21st century get a real job ya slitty eyed cunt, if I have to change my ways I'm sure you can too.

If the whales could speak I'm sure they would say, "fuck this Global warming shit what about the crazy Nan Nooks with the pointy things?"