Four Score And Elevenityseven Years Ago

Abraham Lincoln was born 1809 (6:09 pm) in a log cabin near the town of Buttfuck Kentucky. Like other boys he often got into trouble. One time he chopped doon a cherry tree with his big chopper just for kicks. His parents were mightiful angry as that was their main source of food. "I cannot tell a lie" said young Abe in a shrill high pitched voice (unlike the ones actors give him these days) "It was Toby Old man Knudsen's slave."


Toby whose real name was Cuntykinky La Forge denied everything which as we all know is the first sign of guilt, he was flogged for hours until a bright light made him disappear into thin air .

Lincoln felt bad at the lie and the loss of the slave and so decided from then on to be honest Abe .

After a lot of studying he got his law license and became a cunt. He used to keep important papers in his hat along with his lunch and a 6 pack of beer.


He dated Mary Todd who gave the best blowjobs in Kentucky, trust me on this, after they married she stopped doing them of course. He needed a hobby and so became president.


Since he wasn't getting any head he started to work out . He didn't believe in slavery and unlike other presidents before him had no slaves. Some think he went to war with South America because of slavery but he had stated that he wanted breathing room in other words the land in the south and said if slaves are freed and we beat the south then good but if they aren't freed oh whatever.
Being a Republican he believed he had a mandate but his wife never found out and he finally got some head.


Lincoln won the war against the south when he nuked Brazil and celebrated by going to the theater to see 'Whoops up yer skirt' .


There was a gun shot and a man jumped from Lincoln's box, it was the actor Powers Booth star of Red Dawn and Southern Comfort, some heard him shout " Sic semper tyrannis" which is Gheylick for 'thus always to tyrants' but others heard. Its that cunt Old Knudsen.

Its true that a Scotchman holds a grudge until revenge is exacted or he dies. Old Knudsen had the alibi of taking a group of orphans to Horse camp at the time of the murder and even though young athletic Toby was a great slave he says he did not to harbour any ill will towards that cunt of a president .
Old Knudsen became spiritual advisor to the next president Andrew Johnson, it was Knudsen's advice that made Johnson buy Alaska, actually that was a wee joke, how the fuck could anyone know there was gold and oil in that ice box?

In 1875 Johnson died of a stroke, it was his 18th stroke in a row, Old Knudsen said "doing that at yer age will kill ya you damned dirty American" but Johnson didn't listen all he did was look up with a smile and said "Im coming" then he died obviously having seen the angels of Heaven.

The facts are cloudy but this is how Old Knudsen remembers it. I left out the car chase to give the post some pace oh and I hate orphans....... needy wee fuckers.



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Are You Taking The Piss?

I was just kicking back and chilling with my old mate Bruce Boxleitner who you may remember from the TV series Bring em back alive and the hit film Tron.
He prefers to come over to Killamory rather than me going to his Hollywood home because his wife Melissa Gilbert gets freaked out when I stare at her with my hands in my pockets.
I don't know what her problem is, big star huh? Old Knudsen does what he does, you might as well beat a dog for licking its balls, I wish I could do that lick a dogs balls I mean.

Bruce is a few years from being 60 but hes already talking about his own mortality. I added to his fears by saying he didn't look too well.
After a few drinks I swore I'd look after Melissa for him because we were best fucking mates.
We got to talking about legacies. I've heard that word 'legacy' a lot, mostly its when a politician is on the way out he'll actually do some work to make people remember his legacy.

Blair is taking credit for the shaky peace in Northern Ireland and Bush is trying to bring peace to Israel and Palestine by going to everywhere but Palestine giving his support, money and weapons.
When OJ Simpson dies how will he be remembered ? as a football player or a murderer who got away with his crime ? Michael Jackson's music will be overshadowed by him being a pedo as will Gary Glitter.
Phil Spector however won't be remembered for being a crazy fuck who shoots weemen, oh no he'll be remembered for a fucking wall of sound.
Hitler gets the moustache and the holocaust while Mussolini had the trains running on time theres no rhyme nor reason.

What first comes to my mind when I think of Elvis is dying on the toilet, the place where most heart attacks happen because of the straining involved, its ironic that he died constipated and then as you die you shit yerself I don't believe he got it doon the bog though.

When you normal people die and you haven't achieved the Blog greatness that I have I wonder what you'll be remember for.
I've known two guys who have died over the years , when family members clear out their houses they have had a large bottles filled with piss beside their chairs.
One of them (a relative of mine) had served on the HMS Illustrious during World War II but he'll be remembered for having a bottle of piss beside his chair.
Everyone knows that I blog on a commode so I don't have to get up and go and have a shit also its doon to 40% chance of me actually making it to the bog.
I think a commode is more socially acceptable than a bottle.

I'm looking into a heart monitor that I'll wear like a watch and so if I died incendiary devices will go off in the cupboard I keep my sex doll and stack of ghey porn also in the cabinet where I keep all the classified extra super top secret documents I borrowed from various governments.
I wonder if there is a way to wipe the hard drive of my computer so no one can see what pictures I've doonloaded.


What will family members find if you died today ? I'd rather be remembered as the Greatest Blogger in the world who banged Sophia Loren in the ass in 1967 while George Peppard watched and who killed the Great White Panda of the Pennines at the cost of his leg than, "oh yeah, that's the cunt who had the 2 litre bottle of piss beside his chair, lazy fucker."

Get off yer lazy arse and go use the toilet or a sink or something.

Most of my posts start with a message and degenerate into some perverts idea of a happy ending.

Old Knudsen is a romantic soul, On my 5th wedding I wanted to express just how much I loved my bride to be, either Sally or Sara was her name.

She was hot and had the most extraordinary luck ever, she used to go out at night for a few hours and come home and tell me how she just found £300 on the ground.

Then when our first baby was born and he turned out to be Asian her secret was out, it seems she was a distant relate of Ghengis Khan which is why she looked white but could have a half Asian baby, I didn't mind for I knew old Ghengis, what a laugh he was at least the baby was mine .

So back to our vows, I can remember it like it was yesterday except it wasn't yesterday which I only have partial memory of. I stood there while the policeman burned away in the flaming wicker effigy and I solemnly said, "Dear Sally or and Sara, as long as I have a face, you have a toilet."

Yes female readers I do know what weemen want.

Our marriage only lasted a few years as Sally or Sara was murdered by the Aberbrothock Slasher who went around killing prostitutes, he must have mistaken her for one. She used to wear micro mini skirts in the dead of winter, not very practical I used to say but she like her fashions. I shielded little Charlie Chan our son from some of the accusations made. People can be cruel.

As you can see the post about Vince Vaughn is still up, I believe I can last more than 3 weeks.

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