Abraham Lincoln was born 1809 (6:09 pm) in a log cabin near the town of Buttfuck Kentucky. Like other boys he often got into trouble. One time he chopped doon a cherry tree with his big chopper just for kicks. His parents were mightiful angry as that was their main source of food. "I cannot tell a lie" said young Abe in a shrill high pitched voice (unlike the ones actors give him these days) "It was Toby Old man Knudsen's slave."
Toby whose real name was Cuntykinky La Forge denied everything which as we all know is the first sign of guilt, he was flogged for hours until a bright light made him disappear into thin air .Lincoln felt bad at the lie and the loss of the slave and so decided from then on to be honest Abe .
After a lot of studying he got his law license and became a cunt. He used to keep important papers in his hat along with his lunch and a 6 pack of beer.
He dated Mary Todd who gave the best blowjobs in Kentucky, trust me on this, after they married she stopped doing them of course. He needed a hobby and so became president.
Since he wasn't getting any head he started to work out . He didn't believe in slavery and unlike other presidents before him had no slaves. Some think he went to war with South America because of slavery but he had stated that he wanted breathing room in other words the land in the south and said if slaves are freed and we beat the south then good but if they aren't freed oh whatever.Being a Republican he believed he had a mandate but his wife never found out and he finally got some head.
Lincoln won the war against the south when he nuked Brazil and celebrated by going to the theater to see 'Whoops up yer skirt' .
There was a gun shot and a man jumped from Lincoln's box, it was the actor Powers Booth star of Red Dawn and Southern Comfort, some heard him shout " Sic semper tyrannis" which is Gheylick for 'thus always to tyrants' but others heard. Its that cunt Old Knudsen.Its true that a Scotchman holds a grudge until revenge is exacted or he dies. Old Knudsen had the alibi of taking a group of orphans to Horse camp at the time of the murder and even though young athletic Toby was a great slave he says he did not to harbour any ill will towards that cunt of a president .
Old Knudsen became spiritual advisor to the next president Andrew Johnson, it was Knudsen's advice that made Johnson buy Alaska, actually that was a wee joke, how the fuck could anyone know there was gold and oil in that ice box?
In 1875 Johnson died of a stroke, it was his 18th stroke in a row, Old Knudsen said "doing that at yer age will kill ya you damned dirty American" but Johnson didn't listen all he did was look up with a smile and said "Im coming" then he died obviously having seen the angels of Heaven.
The facts are cloudy but this is how Old Knudsen remembers it. I left out the car chase to give the post some pace oh and I hate orphans....... needy wee fuckers.
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