A Total Insult

I get e-mails all the fucking time from readers and lawyers etc and sure I don't read half of them mostly just the ones with pictures attached.

I got an e-mail from a reader who sends me pictures of disgusting homemade porn of herself all the time, when I get about 20 or so more I'll be starting up a new blog about it. Anyway I won't give you her real name, I'll refer to her as 'BJ' from Canada.

BJ asks me:

Dear Old Sweet-cheeks What animal have you had sex with that most resembles a woman?

I was totally disgusted. How dare you. I enclosed the above picture to remind you that I'm a war hero, ach I don't like the word 'hero' anyone could have taken out that machine nest with an empty rifle using it as a club to bat away bullets and then killing the two Krauts with me bare hands and carrying 8 of my wounded comrades back to safety while under sniper fire with a painful blister on yer heel.

Anyone could have piloted their X-wing doon that stench trench on the Brown Star and fired their space bullets to hit a 3 inch target to destroy it thus saving a galaxy far far away.

And I don't think its very special to walk through Nazi invaded France to save a private Brian getting killed in the process just so he can fuck off home.

Well ok maybe I am a hero, perhaps a superhero but I don't like to brag but I have tourettes syndrome so I do anyway "ARSE" see? I even have it in type no impulse control at all .

I am revolted that anyone would think that I have had carnal intercoursal knowledge with a beast of the sea, sure I may have choked the chicken of the sea but that was for science.

Anyway in my experience the most human like animal to have sex with is a Dugong or sea cow or 4th wife.

Do you know what its like to catch yer wife with another man? probably not because I'm fucking fast on my feet.
I used to like to watch my wife with other men as I sat in a dark corner with just the glow from my cigarette showing.

That marriage didn't last long as she died unexpectedly when we took a road trip to Vegas back in 67. Fuck that was a hot year.

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Happy Hogmanay.

Hogmanay wouldn't be right without the late great Andy Stewart.

Some New Year's superstitions for you.

Put money into shoes for good luck before midnight hits, no I don't know what amounts or if the exchange rate matters much or if its all yer shoes or what.

Sprinkle sugar around yer house for good luck. If you have ants this may not be so lucky.

Wear red gunties, red is the colour of passion so you can get some in the cumming year.

If you want to travel put suitcases outside yer door. Chain them up I'd suggest or some bastard will be off with them. I'm putting my large tartan suitcase outside tonight as I'm on a promise from Kimba and she lives in Austria.

Eat a spoonful of lentils for good luck, hey I'm not making this shit up you know.

When Big Ben rings (its the name of the bell inside not the clock) sit doon and stand up for each dong for good luck in love and marriage, for marriage you need all the luck you can get.

Don't forget, its bad luck to sleep through Big Ben ringing in the new years or yer ball dropping or whatever it is you do.

The most luckiest thing of all, much like catching a leprechaun and getting his gold is finding a one legged old Scots man and giving him a BJ in a dark alley way, you are bound to get excellent luck and much happiness this new year, and perhaps a rash of some kind.

So enjoy yer fireball swinging if that's what your are into, just make sure that excessive drinking is involved, 3rd degree burns are always funnier when drunk. Remember the old Hogmanay folklore that dark haired people are welcome as its assumed that they are yer fellow Scots, blonde and red headed people must be killed immediately as they must be Norsemen .

Remember don't be a Sasenach and sing 'for the sake of auld lang syne'.


Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne ?

CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !
And surely I’ll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have run about the hills,
and pulled the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine (dinner time) ;
But seas between us broad have roaredsince auld lang syne.

CHORUS

And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS