A Mild Cigar By Hamlet

"Alas, poor Knudsen! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent blogging: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times and I swallowed the gravy."

Which explains why he has my cap and me skull to fuck. Just keep that cunt Horatio away from me coxis. I thought it was ironic giving the dead body of a real Time Lord to a bloke who played one on the telly. I'll not tell you when I die but put it like this, nothing much will matter any more after the year 2012.



I won't be in the office today as the boss is sending me up to Sacramento with an urgent package and I have to meet a dead- line or my arse is fired. No sorry I made that up I think I might be a pathological liar but then if a pathological liar told you that would you believe them?

I actually have to fly over to the UK, thats Ukraine HA! Well actually my mate Buddy told this paper pusher that I was from the UK and he actually thought it was the Ukraine, Americans are fucking dumb and no mistake. No offense to all you simple minded Yanks out there.

I'm flying over to the Ukraine to lean on them to get them to pay their gas bill and stop fucking around. The Russians are desperate for the money as it was due on the 1st and the UKies are all, "Sorry me Da isn't in and he has the cheque book" or " I'm no paying for that as you sent it doon the wrong pipe."

I hate dealing with Slavs, I'm not in anyway a racist but Slavs are a dirty, filthy people and I wouldn't let one of my kids date one.


I also kicked yer dog ya fucker now get off my lawn!


Next week is a week of new beginnings. Kate Homies is bringing little Tommy Cruise to his new school won't that be exciting? His last teachers said he was a delight to have in class as long as he stayed off the furniture and stopped handing out Scientology leaflets.

I met him once you know, he looks taller in real life and no he is not technically a little person.


This post doesn't amount to much really, my post tomorrow will inflame the world of Islam and my Monday post will stop any chance of me getting a ride off the weemen who read this blog.

I just want to ask something, well its actually a question for a friend. Does anyone else get turned on sexually by this last picture?


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Go Shaft Yerself

Issac Hayes, 65, who wrote the Shaft film soundtrack in the 70's died after being found by his fourth wife Adjowa and young son Nana Kwadjo unconscious beside a running treadmill at his home.

The running treadmill is being hunted doon by police as running from a dead body is an international sign of guilt, except when my old mucker Billy one ear ran when his wife died as who the fuck was going to believe she kept a toaster beside her bath for a few rounds of toast while she soaked?

The singing star had 12 children, 14 grandchildren and three great-grandchildren and no doubt plenty of bastard children as he just looks the type.

That Shaft film was a load of old bollocks, a black James Bond with fried chicken and none of the class, the name itself implies that black men have big cocks when we all know its the Scottish that are well hung south of the border and I don't mean by the dirty Sassenachs.

I liked him as Chef in South Park, that song 'Chocolate salty balls' is one I love to sing in the golden shower.

Southpark slagged off everything, like me nothing is sacred because if anything is out of bounds then it gets a power it shouldn't have. If you can make a joke about 9/11 or children and puppies with cancer then do so just make sure its funny.

I get people who will laugh when I make fun of blacks, slavs, liberals or gheys but if you make a joke about something they hold dear or defend such topics then they get all offended, people do have their boundaries they should just understand like Southpark I don't give a fuck............... saying that if you ever bad mouth the Queen I will hunt you doon and kill everyone you hold dear and then you. I bad mouthed the Queen once but then I used this new tongue technique and she loved it, to quote, " Oh my Sir Knudsen we are arriving."

Hayes was a hypocrite and quit the show after an episode which ridiculed Scientology, claiming his religious beliefs should be 'respected and honoured' unlike all the other religions he gladly mocked.

He said: "There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins."

That message was beamed into his head by his alien overlords, yep the same ones who helped Hitler kill millions of big nosed money lenders.

Rest in peace Mr Hayes in yer creepy Scientology heaven, are you still a Scientologist when you stop paying yer membership fees and are no longer of any use to them? I don't know it all sounds a bit Fenian to me.




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The Friday Slag Off

Travolta has really let himself go.

I've never been too impressed with that John Travolta fella, ugly as fuck and has the acting abilities of my 4th wife faking her orgasms which is pretty crap. Now he makes geezer movies with Tim Allen, I hear its a sort of Deliverance but on motorcycles. Anyway the fat fucker can put away more pasta and chicken than Steven Seagull the famous pony tailed bad acting martial arts guy which is a lot, look at him now he looks like a big fat woman, maybe he should cut doon on the Grease if he wants to be Stayin alive, ok that last one really didn't work .

He flies his own passenger jets even though hes not allowed to park on his own home's landing strip at the moment due to the state of it but the thing I could never understand is how can those big metal planes stay up in the air as they go by so slowly? I think the only reason they crash is that the pilot has a moment of clarity and says, " how the fuck are we stayin up in the air? I don't believe in this voodoo magic anymore" and crashes.
If I flew planes and I was a big fat fuck of a Scientologist I'd hit the Slim Fast so it wouldn't crash nose first with the weight of my big belly and over sized face.

Before anyone says it, no he wasn't good in Pulp Fiction, that film sucked arse juice the only good thing that saved it was Bruce Willis and the bum sex rape scene, none of that contrived dialogue about burgers or the dopey music thats supposed to be cool but really its lame, are you really going to take cool lessons from Tarrentino as he sits in his shell suit and gushes over American Idol contestants ?
Samuel L Jackson, controlled, loud and angry, in every fucking role .

Nicolas Cage, the amount of crap you're making at the moment tells me that you're trying to make yer money before people start to notice how you haven't aged well and you have to start actually acting.
Acting yer age, Harrison Ford, you're 64 and definitely no Old Knudsen I suspect on the 4th Indiana Jones film they'll be hiring more stunt men, whats the title of the movie, Indiana Jones and the quest for senior discount ? I hear that the only bag you'll be wearing will be a colostomy bag . They killed off Kirk by making him fall off a bridge in which he broke his hip, Picard was too intimidated by him to let him live, that fucking French pussy , so Indi stay away from any icy paths and Frenchmen with English accents.
Edward Norton is going to be the next Hulk, I'm surprised anyone would do a sequel to such a shite first film, as for Norton, well done on picking yet another great role whats yer secret? do ya pick them drunk? out of a hat? or do ya not give a fuck anymore?

For those who want ta know who I like, well little Matt Damon can do no wrong (I blame Clooney and Pitt for Ocean's 12) with the next Bourne film cuming out soon 'The Bourne Absolutely' he is taking over from that crappy Bond franchise well done lad, he doesn't forget his friends either, Ben Affleck is in this new one billed as "tall thug" he gets killed in the first 15 minutes and isn't given lines as they don't want him to spoil it.

I wonder if he lets just anyone stand and watch him workout, er I mean lifting weights is just so ghey.