During the Thatcher regime in Britain we enjoyed having a ton of horny Yank soldiers over, it almost reminded me of the war when I was selling an hour of my three sisters time for American nylons and chocolate, that was during my fat cross dressing phase that I don't want to talk about .
Retirement had bored me plus my sisters had seriously gone doon hill in the last 40 years so I signed up for the Killamory jet fighter school at the local US military base.
We all had to be given nicknames or call signs, I had a flatulence problem at the time so I was named 'Loosecannon' the navigator how would fly with me was named 'Duck.' One day we got a top flight instructor call signed Charlie. I was expecting some bloke to come walking in and what do you know I was right, he did have lovely long blonde hair though. Charlie went through a dog fight scenario and then asked what I would do, I frowned as if I was giving it some thought but really it was me hemorrhoids acting up and I answered "Kick his pan in" Charlie said that was too aggressive, too intense but I knew he liked me, in a strictly military way of course.
While flying with Duck on a training flight we spotted a couple of Zebulon fighter saucers, now those damned dirty aliens know better than to mess with Earth after the last time (The battle of Roswell 1947) but they were taking the piss. My instruments told me they had their space rays locked on and I couldn't avoid them so I shouted, "duck" and he said "what?" so I shouted "duck, duck!" but it was too late for Duck to duck and he got zapped, yep his goose was cooked alright.
The plane went out of control, I'm not violent by nature but I punched us out of the cock-pit, ever been punched in the cock-pit? its fucking sore, why do they make men's bikes with a high cross bar you can land on? designed by men-haters, er I mean feminists no doubt.
We landed in the freezing sea off the Scottish coast, the water would kill a Sassenach or Yank in 15 minutes but not me, being an old seman I tasted the water and I could tell what current I was in, I'd be close to land in about 6 hours, yay! oh they don't bother looking for us as their budget for the 'Killamory expendables' was quite limited. I held onto dear dead Duck and waited to drift home and hoped for his sake we'd get picked up before I got hungry.
Getting back to the base Charlie consoled me about losing Duck, no really the morgue lost him. I wanted to teach the Zebulons a lesson so after a BJ, shower, shite and shave I went looking for another plane. Stabber was recovering after a knife fight so I took his plane along with his navigator Emo. After hearing about how no one understands him and that he just doesn't like navigating he cares about it oh and don't forget the crying we took off in search of some revenge.
We jetted through the air and I shouted, "I feel the need, the need for some crack" but all Emo had were a few damp acid tabs so I took them.
Retirement had bored me plus my sisters had seriously gone doon hill in the last 40 years so I signed up for the Killamory jet fighter school at the local US military base.
We all had to be given nicknames or call signs, I had a flatulence problem at the time so I was named 'Loosecannon' the navigator how would fly with me was named 'Duck.' One day we got a top flight instructor call signed Charlie. I was expecting some bloke to come walking in and what do you know I was right, he did have lovely long blonde hair though. Charlie went through a dog fight scenario and then asked what I would do, I frowned as if I was giving it some thought but really it was me hemorrhoids acting up and I answered "Kick his pan in" Charlie said that was too aggressive, too intense but I knew he liked me, in a strictly military way of course.
While flying with Duck on a training flight we spotted a couple of Zebulon fighter saucers, now those damned dirty aliens know better than to mess with Earth after the last time (The battle of Roswell 1947) but they were taking the piss. My instruments told me they had their space rays locked on and I couldn't avoid them so I shouted, "duck" and he said "what?" so I shouted "duck, duck!" but it was too late for Duck to duck and he got zapped, yep his goose was cooked alright.
The plane went out of control, I'm not violent by nature but I punched us out of the cock-pit, ever been punched in the cock-pit? its fucking sore, why do they make men's bikes with a high cross bar you can land on? designed by men-haters, er I mean feminists no doubt.
We landed in the freezing sea off the Scottish coast, the water would kill a Sassenach or Yank in 15 minutes but not me, being an old seman I tasted the water and I could tell what current I was in, I'd be close to land in about 6 hours, yay! oh they don't bother looking for us as their budget for the 'Killamory expendables' was quite limited. I held onto dear dead Duck and waited to drift home and hoped for his sake we'd get picked up before I got hungry.
Getting back to the base Charlie consoled me about losing Duck, no really the morgue lost him. I wanted to teach the Zebulons a lesson so after a BJ, shower, shite and shave I went looking for another plane. Stabber was recovering after a knife fight so I took his plane along with his navigator Emo. After hearing about how no one understands him and that he just doesn't like navigating he cares about it oh and don't forget the crying we took off in search of some revenge.
We jetted through the air and I shouted, "I feel the need, the need for some crack" but all Emo had were a few damp acid tabs so I took them.
On my CB radio I could hear there was a dogfight in progress, the Zebulons had cum out of the sun and shot doon Zipper, Ice-cream man was holding his own, I said, "we lose no more men today" and revved the plane up to 55 mph, I meant business.
Ice-cream man was panicking, "bogeys all over me" he shouted, I spoke up, "use yer sleeve like everyone else ya cunt" and set to work attacking the Zebulons. I shot doon two and the other three bugged out.
When we returned to base Ice-cream man came over to me and said "you! you can wipe my nose anyday" and placed a cap on my head that said Top Gun on it, I was able to exchange it for one that said "boob inspector."
Charlie got reassigned which is just as well I've had enough unhealthy relationships in my time, with my new hat I got all the pussy I wanted and weemen too.
I wrote a song about Charlie called, "Take my breath away" it was about how I was allergic to his aftershave and couldn't breathe.
I sold my story to some Yank with more money than sense, no idea why he wanted it of course I left out how we carpet bombed the Zebulon homeworld to stop their attacks, its hard to attack when you are neck high in carpets and the Zebulons aren't very tall.
