Do you remember back in the early 80's when Krakatau had that big eruption and caused that Tsunami ? yeah that was before the Manic Street Preachers made a song about Tsunamis causing people to say" whats a Tsunami? we don't watch the discovery channel", and then there was the more recent one that no one missed.
Well the world was a bigger place back then, no Interweb in every home, all the kids didn't think it was their right to have a cell phone, drivers only had to worry about driving while eating , looking at maps and reading or putting on makeup, no important calls or DVDs to watch while speeding down the motorway and people lost contact with their loved ones for hours at a time it was bliss.
I may have mentioned the TV show that I've been trying to get off the ground for a few decades now, I'm close, I can feel it, with Steve Irwin gone I see a gap that needs to be filled, its called, 'I wonder what that tastes like' I go around the world finding animals and eating them. When I was on Safari in Africa it was just before Krakatau blew so I was able to step over onto Lemuria, for all those ignorant people out there, Lemuria was the continent that went from Africa to India until the volcano sunk it beneath the waves, some have compared it with Atlantis but those folks probably believe in the tooth fairy too, anyway Atlantis is for another day, right now I'm in Lemuria, try to keep up.
You know what a lemur is right? just look at the picture above, well Lemuria was full of them, originally they were quite big , Arabs used to travel to Lemuria a lot and being Arabs used to shag whatever they could which is why you have the crazy Muslims in Somolia. After centuries of um dirty Arab sex, no offense to any Lemur raping Arabs reading this I'm sure they were asking for it with those big watery eyes judging you, daring you to do something about it and it probably says to do it in one of the versions of the Koran that's handiest to follow for you, if Allah told you to jump off a bridge would you do it? no you'd probably interpret it as throw the weemen that complain when you whip them off the bridge.
Some Lemurs now look a little like people but there is always something about them that isn't right, check out some of the avatars on your blogging chums, I've seen a few wrong uns, I hate lemurs, those creepy little shites, like priests, always trying to touch you,"you can trust me" :::: fiddle about fiddle about::::: don't let their big bush baby eyes fool you, if you are ever separated and alone in the jungle or if they sense weakness and fear they will attack you, if they can't take you alone they will howl or send text messages to their pack, the half-nelson is their favourite move anticipate it.
Heres what to do when faced with an ravenous Lemur with a taste for human (or Arab) flesh. Make yourself as big as possible and squeal like a public school boy getting it hard from the head boy, using the old look over there trick is a favourite of mine as the intelligence of Lemurs is to be mocked, for once they have looked away you must run like the wind in a serpentine fashion as that movement cannot be detected by their eyes.
If the above sounds like too much hard work you can always pull out your gun and shoot them, assuming you were smart enough to bring one though if you're reading this you may very well be as smart as a Lemur and thus must be mocked, clubbing a Lemur is not advisable as the large mirrored disco balls send them into a killing frenzy worse than any seasonal shopping sale bargain hunter.
I know what you're thinking right now, the answer is lots of alcohol uppers ,downers and poppers.
Lemurs taste like chicken covered in HP sauce but with more substance.
Don't trust them don't believe them, if you go to a zoo to see all the happy caged animals that would rather be on my plate don't go visit the lemurs, if they notice you or take a liking to you they will find out where you live, ever woken up with a Lemur penis in your mouth? silly question of course you have, tastes like chicken right?
If you're ever in Northern California stay away from Shasta Mountain, for that is the last refuge of the Lemurians, they may be too shy shy but can turn deadly if hungry or they feel threatened, remember they do walk among us .
