The Sex Trade

Anyone who lives around kilamory knows "Leopard Lizzie" with the power to turn boys into men.

The Aphrodite Project has cum out with a line of interactive shoes called Platforms to protect ladies of the night you know, hookers, hoors, prossies. I'm sure many of my 3 readers are well acquainted with this line of work that should be legalised everywhere in my humble but correct opinion. Yer body doesn't belong to you if you aren't allowed to sell it.

In a world where many street slappers are murdered and either buried in the back garden (stay the fuck out of my garden) or fed to a pack of pigs (go Canada!) there should be some form of protection for them other than a condom.

Sometimes I think the hoors should be paying me but life isn't fair. Hey don't judge me, getting married means you pay more for sex and keep paying and paying in ways only Satan could imagine.

Each shoe is supplied with an alarm that can scare of an offender and at the same time contact emergency services. The shoes actually shout, "theres yer mum theres yer mum" to put the attacker into a panic as memories of last week when their mum walked into their bedroom as they were wanking cum flooding back into their 54 year-old brains.

The shoes also have a built in GPS so when a woman pushes a button on the side of her shoes it informs the police of where she is if the police actually had such technology themselves or could be arsed saving hookers, and there is a display on the side so yer sex worker will never get lost on the way to yer hoose.

So make sure your hooker doesn't keep her shoes on during sex or just prey on the young less able to afford these shoes type of hoor.

I don't have time for the young firm bodied sexy thing, older weemen know what they are doing besides they charge less than the young uns and I'm not rich ya know, or picky.

These shoes are perfect as we all know what geeky gadget heads prostitutes are, its a pity they only cum in ugly sandals that make yer feet feel like two pieces of raw meat by the end of the day.

Two American Arseholes.

Pamplona where they prove their manhood by running away and not lubing the horns.

During the running of the bulls in Pamplona in Spain two Americans brothers were simultaneously gored up the arses by the same bull. Micheal and Lawrence Lenahan from Philadelphia the city or brotherly love and the only place in the US where two brothers can marry each other.

Michael had recently overcome testicular cancer that had spread to his abdomen the brothers were celebrating his recovery not by hookers and drink like any normal person but by running from a pack of 1300 pound man eating bulls. Americans huh? when God asked them if they wanted some sense they said, "no way dude we won't take offense" and high fived each other as Yanks are prone to do. Lawrence commented later while in hospital, "we may have to shit into bags for the rest of our lives but it was totally awesome man," as he waved a severed bull's ear. Ever since getting impaled up the bum with eight inches of hard horn the brothers have not been able to stop smiling. Ah Spain, cum for the animal cruelty stay for the drunken gurls out on the club scene.

Being A Hero Cums Naturally.

You may know British actor Edward Fox from such movies as Force 10 from Toblerone, The Bounty Bar and Day of the jackoff seen here holding the medal he received from the Queen the Token Of Fidelity and Fortitude or TOFF.

I like to sit and rememberise sometimes. Once I was on holiday in London staying in a crappy wee hotel in East Finchley, that was a right dive, at dinner time I was served by a smarmy waiter that would yell and argue with the cook all the while throwing pots and pans and then he'd cum through the swing doors, smile and quietly talk as if nothing had ever happened, the arguing made dinner take a long long time, he'd bring out a bit of bacon covered in some tomato and basil sauce for us to try and to keep us happy as we waited and then they'd get back to the shouting.

It was such a crappy place I had to go out and scour the streets for my own hookers don't worry, if you threw a stick you'd hit a working gurl, in fact I did many a time do that to get their attention, the Sassenachs doon south are a dozy lot, ungodly and immoral as well which is why you go doon there for a holiday, just ask any of the Yanks who were over here during the war.

The thing I remember about that trip most of all was not the weapons deal that went bad but saving the life of one of the royal family. It wasn't really a royal it was Edward Fox a thespian (which is Latin for poo pirate) he has played so many royals and has that posh accent its easy to get confused, well it confused someone.
A splinter cell of the Provisional IRA known as The really real and serious IRA wanted to cause mayhem and chaos by killing a royal. Mr Fox or Foxy as he now lets me call him was receiving an award from the Queen for his contribution in appearing smug and upper class in countless TV and film roles.

I was walking along the street checking the ground for change and cigarette butts when the car carrying Foxy was boxed in by black taxis, out jumped several masked gunmen with guns who then pumped the driver of the trapped car full of holes.
I stood and watched and thought to myself, "hang on a mo something is going on here" then I heard it, the accent I'd heard during countless of drunken pub fights and interrogations in Northern Ireland, one of the gun men shouted "get out of the caa to be sure" fucking paddies I'd teach them to discharge weapons within the city limit. I charged them knocking one to the ground and letting them step into my killing zone, I used one of their own guns to kill two of them and capture one the rest fled as if they were being chased by horny priests.

I was slightly wounded in the shoulder, merely a flesh wound and well you know the rest had you read any news papers in 1992, medals honours reuniting with the Queen and taking a shag doon memory lane with her, ah good days.

I sued the really real and serious IRA for mental anguish which put them out of business . Foxy still keeps in touch but hes a boring old cunt so I wish he wouldn't.