I Pass Judgment And Wind

Old Knudsen is always looking out for new weemen to share his life for 5 or 10 minutes, don't get Old Knudsen wrong he is not a cheater but if yer jar of raw liver goes off then you'd get some new fresher liver right? If the body in the garage is starting to swell up and about to explode you get rid of it and go out on the prowl.

You all know that Old Knudsen is right. So I checked out ePathetic.com as I am too busy and well known on the local club scene at the discos round here.

I don't like to restrict myself to gender even though I'm no poof oh know not Old Knudsen, you ask his gurlyboyfriend if Old Knudsen is a real man. I wanted to see the competition, yeah that was it.

Here is a real applicant as I cannae make this shite up:

Looking for someone to share life, experiences, and love with. I kinda live life on the edge a little bit but not too extreme. I'm very into art and anything creative. I guess i'm looking for someone not afraid to live or try new things.

You'd think white supremacist biker that sells drugs and robs old ladies when you see this guy but as scary as he may look Old Knudsen was speaking to a woman the other day with tattoos all over her chest and neck


The woman was well spoken, polite and well educated. A shock and a change from Old Knudsen's usual American encounters.


Donn send me an email full of people who had difficulty in finding work and wanted to know if I needed any runners for the rich people I know who like to hunt the ultimate prey .......... man!


We judge too much on looks and it is a natural thing to do. Everyone perceives Old Knudsen as a charming, debonair playboy only interested in putting his willy into weemen like this.


Ok you may be correct about that but she is a cracker.

When you see a Neo-Nazi in a bomber jacket, skinny jeans and DM boots sporting a skin head hair cut and neck tattoos praising Hitler do not assume he is an uneducated lout about to kick yer shit in and carve you up with a Stanley knife.

The young thug in question may have completed further education and loves his mum and puppies. Think about that as he stomps on yer face breaking yer cheek bones and eye sockets and feel ashamed for having judged for who are you to judge? unless you are indeed a judge then its ok.

Something Horny This Way Cums

Remember last year Old Knudsen was trick and treating as Captain Kirk? I had me phaser set on rape and I was looking fine, yes I did go where no man except yer Da and half the toon had gone before, yep yer Ma.



Well its all societies fault, I discovered Gravy 4 and went on shore leave. See what poor education and inner city living will do to a man? The ton of food , excess drinking and no exercise didn't help either.

If you see me round the hooses I like Snickers and whoppers no cheese and my plastic pumpkin is huge so fill me up Scotty.

Happy Halloween or Sam Hane as we Celts call it.

Bad Movies At Black Rock

Happy family my arse, he killed 8 hookers.

Old Knudsen may remind you that he is living with his gurlyboyfriend's parents for now and boy are they crazy. You could forgive the genocide and the pickled hobo heads but the crap they watch on the telly is um crap.

Woohoo's father Burt is in charge of the telly and flicks channels at any time. Old Knudsen no longer watches the TV because not only does he not want to watch that shite but their leather couch is as comfortable as an instrument of torture. They have BBC America but will they watch it? oh no.

It seems their TV is set up only to watch dull American sports, anything to do with prophesied end of times shows on the History channel, Bones, Hoose, NCIS, CSI, Law and order, Law and order SVU, CSI Miami, CSI yer ma and the classic Charlie Sheen sit com Two and a half men. A few other idiot shows appear but always get turned over half way through.

Old Knudsen has walked into the living room at 8am to see Burt watching Bones and then to walk in at 8pm and see Bones is still on what the fuck?

I go in and eat then leave. I heard the music and dialogue of one show and was positive it was Ally McBeal only to see it was Greys anatomy. On the Law and order ones you get the duh duh! bleeps every 5 minutes which isn't annoying oh no.

Old Knudsen is sensitive to formula shows and movies. One trick that is used is the two police officers are walking up to a house, suddenly two kids come running out playfully chasing each other followed by a parent shouting at them to be careful or something.


It saves on the boring standing at the door waiting for an answer and shows its a normal family and they have to solve the case in an hour including breaks. I am amazed how fast they get their lab results back.
Oh the Jane Doe had his name and address under her finger nails we hope he doesn't go after the sexy female lead cop only to be shot at the last moment.

Burt sometimes says something like , "I really liked that movie The kingdom of Heaven" Old Knudsen knowing it to be shite like most Orlando Bloom films just nods in silence. If Burt likes a film it has to be bad.

If I Ruled The Souls

What up niggas? Tank fly boss walk jam nitty gritty ya listening to the boy from Killamory this is pope rock!

When Old Knudsen is made Pope the first thing he'll do is fire people and get rid of a lot of Feniany stuff. I just know that poof on the right is eying up the altar boys.

Priests can marry weemen or men, not boys to prove they are into adults and if they don't want to get married then they get neutered.

No weemen clergy as Old Knudsen thinks they are best behind the scenes making tea and the like, if it wasn't for tea we'd all be speaking German.

Since you can't tell weemen anything they will no doubt becum clergy and can kill off unborn babies if they feel like it, Old Knudsen just doesn't want to hear the nagging.

Up the bum, double dipping, splurge the hole fantastic with or without a condom who cares as long as its consensual between adults? No I repeat no cap drilling without having cleaned and inspected all 3 sets of equipment involved and an easy to remember safety word.

No Hell, Heaven or Purgatory just the great cosmic soup so sin is old hat just behave yerselves. If you don't behave yerselves you are doomed to repeating the same miserable existence time and time again.

Gog may or may not have a plan but either way you'll get proper funted at sometime so find a way to learn from it and grow as a person or you'll be stuck in the this life and the next life as a sad sack.

Count yer blessings, don't slouch and finish yer dinner as there are children starving everywhere.

Peeping Pope

The Pope looking at MJ's Filthy Friday


I sort of like it! Ya ya dirty boys...............

Catholic Lite

Since the Pope is toying with the wrath of Gog Old Knudsen decided to contact Catholic lite. The Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams father of Robbie and Robin was next to get a chance.

The bish's website had *funt* all email addresses and Old Knudsen was forced to type the word of Gog into a comment box like a pathetic Blogger.

Here is what Old Knudsen had to say:


The Pope was kind enough to have an email address. The long story short is that God spoke to Old Knudsen and wants him to lead all religions as the rest of yous have done a 'piss poor job' his words. Please submit health coverage, salary and private jet to pick me up details before God gets really angry. Thank you Old Knudsen God's New representative on earth


*Old Knudsen takes his role as saviour of the world very seriously and is stopping swearing*


Oh and here is a picture of a nip.

What More Could A Body Ask For?

I'm sure you all remember this advert promoting the drinking of milk during World War II. Now Old Knudsen only likes pink milk but back then the milk was different.

As I like to remind the Yanks this was the second world war they were late for but they will be on time for the third as they will no doubt start it.

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers were off shedding our blood and other fluids while the Americans were over sexed, over paid and over in Britian holding their manhoods cheap for nylons and chocolate and impregnating our weemen.

Yes the milk we had to drink back then was breast milk from our slappers who gave for the war effort. Now and then Old Knudsen likes a taste of milk on tit tap to remind him of the great sacrifice he never made but others did which was nice.

Miley Cyrus was spotted leaving City Wok Chinese !

A visit to one of his favorite restaurants, places, Miley Cyrus was found abandoned City Wok Chinese restaurant in Studio City on Thursday.

The "Hannah Montana" cutie looked in his usual spirits, wearing a white shirt, short black skirt and toting around in style Chanel handbag.

Meanwhile, Miss Cyrus has a great seal for your site as a guest on "Sex and the City" actress Kristin Davis track.

"I was not [on set] that day," he said. "I love Miley. Miley If we have love, I am happy. I've heard is true."

Britney Spears back to the movies !

Living the good life, during the remainder of his journey through the circus, Britney Spears back to the movies for a second day in Calabasas on Thursday (22 October).


Armed young Jayden James in her arms, the "Gimme More" was singer accompanied by her security team with her oldest son, Sean Preston, followed closely behind.


And while she certainly its fair share of ups and downs of a FOX Pop Tarts report had said that Ms. Spears, an actress cast in the sweetest of her father, Jamie Spears.

"He is really trying to clean up his image," a source told Pop Tarts. "He makes a lot of changes to the people around you, everyone is a little bit nervous that the next could be replaced."

Open Letter To The Pope

Dear Pope Benedict XVI

Since Old Knudsen has had no reply from yer office in regards to the end of Catholicism due to centuries of genocide, torture and abuse of power that does not seem to be getting any better Old Knudsen has taken the matter up with a higher authority.

Old Knudsen prayed and fasted during the commercials of Ghosthunters on the Sci-fi channel which I now believe to be named Syfy which as you'll no doubt agree sounds quite silly.

Old Knudsen's prayers were answered by God who incidentally spoke with a Scottish accent which you would know about had you spoken with him.

God told Old Knudsen that he was God's representative on earth and that any religious leader was to accept this and step doon appointing old Knudsen as supreme leader of all religions in order to unite and not divide his children.

I suggest you and yer dress wearing cronies do as God says as he sounded quite pissed off at what you lot had been up to.

Old Knudsen does not need designer clothes and bullet proof pope mobiles as Old Knudsen is a man of faith, he would however like details of the health coverage and pension plan for the job and a salary will be negotiated. Old Knudsen will await details about the private jet etc that will take him to his throne in the Vatican, please open some windows to get rid of the incense and old man smell of the place.

Yours sincerely

Old Knudsen

God's true representative on earth


To send an email to the Pope: benedettoxvi@vatican.va

Join The Church Of Old Knudsen Or Burn, No Pressure

Old Knudsen has a church on the line, started on Facebook called the Church Of Old Knudsen and if you take the letters COOK it means I'm the cook that blends yer souls into the collective consciousness or adds you to the cosmic soup for flavour when yer bodies die. I shall be asking fer bank details soon enough.

Firstly if you are on Facebook and reading this why are you not my friend? current friends disregard.

Secondly if you are my friend on Facebook why aren't you in my church, do you want to end up trapped in Heaven or Hell? friends on Facebook in my church disregard.

Thirdly if you really are my friends can you give me personal references and alibis?

Fourthly there is no fourthly, fourthlies are four the weak.


I flew by personal gryocopter over the Atlantic channel to Killamory, there is a reason they call me 'The flying Orangeman' and I am also the reason for the whole when pigs fly expression, ach those funny wee Fenians.

I didn't want to go by plane due to passport restrictions/expiration and if they had one of them scanners that x-ray yer whole body and see yer parts, well Old Knudsen is very self conscious body wise and I may have put on a few extra pounds.

My head of the Killamory branch of my church is Dick Helms, a good man but a little slow due to almost drowning as a child, yeah we all know one don't we?


Old Knudsen got to his belief and donations centre only to be disgusted at what he saw.

The address was #2, is that implying its a big steaming #2, a turd? also the street is Bottoms end road named after Sir Charles Bottom the slightly famous dead person.

So its #2 Bottoms end, but hey the blue matches me jumper which is nice.

If you are ever in Killamory please cum into the glory hole, my friendly staff are willing to handle whatever yer needs are.

To see the smiles on people's faces as they leave is almost enough payment for me though donations are better, cum and leave us something big or small Gog loves them all.

Excrement Is The New Burning

A reconstruction of what the witches may have looked like.

India is getting into the Halloween spirit. Five women were paraded naked, beaten and forced to eat human excrement by villagers after being branded as witches in India's Jharkhand state.

Police said the victims were Muslim widows who had been labeled as witches by a wise local cleric.

Old Knudsen isn't sure if they were witches or not but its always better to err on the side of caution when dealing with witches.

Old Knudsen Rides The Old West

The sun was going doon as I rode into town on Friday. Bucktooth, Arizona one of the most rootin tootin environmentally friendly and non- polutin towns in the west.

I went to the livery stables and got Friday settled in for the night it was 20 % off on Tuesdays damn my luck to call me horse Friday.

I felt like I had been rode hard, rolled up wet and sat on by a fat chick so I headed towards the saloon. The sound of piano music and talking stopped as I walked in, everyone was staring at me I knew I should have wore trousers with me ass-less chaps, Callyfornian fashions don't hold with the zonies.

I walked up to the bar, why they put a bar uphill is beyond me. I excused myself for not having washed or properly wiped in 3 months but I needed a drink. Exhausted from my hill walk I growled at the barman, "Whiskey and leave the bottle" the gut rot they served was harsh but cheap just like me. "Hey honey do you want a date?" purred a clean smelling busty lass , "I'm no taking you out ta dinner and the movies away and fuck ya gold digging hoor" if I had wanted a date I would have asked, now I was dying for a shag as I had one in the chamber about to go off.

A voice from the end of the bar called over, " Are you the Killamory kid, famous blogger and gunslinger?" ach autograph hunters.

"Aye that would be me" I replied to the skinny dirty young man fingering his shooter, "Who would you like me to make it out to?" I asked as I pulled out a stack of head shots from a distance in high wind.

The young man laughed and said, "You killed my Pa and now yer gonna die" an odd name, you killed my .................. I looked up he drew his gun, not bad but could have done with more shading, he should have went for charcoal not pencil .

"You killed my pa and now yer gonna die, I'm yer father I left for a packet of smokes and got um captured by Injuns yeah that was it".

You killed my pa and now yer gonna die giggled and ran at me giving me a big hug knocking over my whiskey.

"Why you low doon" I pulled back and drew both my navy colts plugging You killed my pa and now yer gonna die full of new holes.

I looked round the room and saw shocked faces staring at me then someone called out, "this is too awful a crime quick get him another whiskey on me" soon everyone was back to old time partying.

Whiskey was a way of life back then and more precious than life or beans.

I stayed longer in Bucktooth than I had planned because Friday took a long weekend at the stables. I met two other sons, 'What the fuck are you looking at' and 'My nipple is sensitive' yes I do drink a lot, soon I was heading west again for a packet of smokes.

Ashton Kutcher Needs A Slap

Fuck Ashton Kutcher is an annoying cunt! There I said it, hes like Ben Affleck but 10 fold more irritating and with 10 times less talent. I actually like Affleck but fuck knows why maybe because he is a mate of Matt Damon so he must be alright.

Kutcher has one of those cocky for no good reasons faces that just needs a slap. I don't give a fuck how many followers he has on Twatter I'm sure his assistant is kept busy twatting away. To be honest Old Knudsen has never liked Demi Moore so its odd they should end up together.

Also that cunt had better stop taking pictures of Old Knudsen and showing them off cos Old Knudsen might be doing something anti-social and I bet Ashton is a brussel sprout, ya know tout! ok Americans what about tell tale do ya understand that with yer trucker caps and multiple camera angles to look edgy? why do people buy scuffed up caps? Someone is crazy here and its not Old Knudsen.

Hand Guns In Movies

By now I'm sure you've seen the movies in which a gun can fire off 50 rounds but when a clear point blank shot of the villain is available the heroes gun goes 'click' known in the business as 'A dead man's click' as any pro like myself counts how many bullets you shoot. Old Knudsen advancing in years does have to call over to the enemy and ask "Did Old Knudsen just fire 5 or 6 times?"

In the movie Mr and Mrs Smith Angelina complains that Brad hands her the small gun, she says 'I get the gurl gun?' In the above picture you can see he took the gurly gun to shut her up.

In fire fights everyone may have the same weapon but the good guy or a females gun will always sound less powerful for some reason.


From the old black and white American cop movies the police usually had little snubbed nosed 38 specials .

Later these became the cliched back up weapon every cop has doon his trouser leg.


In the 80's Dirty Harry helped sales for the 44 magnum which was as big as Old Knudsen's lad.


Until then most automatic pistols were the 1911 Colt 45 which are still as good today as when they first came out with very little modification. They were just bulky and not sexy enough for the hip new audience.

In the mid 80's with government issue weapons changing contracts the 9mm Beretta was the good guy gun.

Die Hard and Lethal Weapon made it a weapon for heroes.


I loved the lines in the 1992 film 'Kuffs' as said by Christian Slater when he goes to buy a gun:

I'm looking for a really big gun which holds a lot of bullets.
Gun Salesman: God bless you, young man.
George Kuffs: [to the camera] I always wanted a gun...
Gun Salesman : Is this what you had in mind? It's a 9mm Beretta. 15 in the clip, 1 in the pipe.
George Kuffs: Got one that holds more?
Gun Salesman: No.
George Kuffs:I'll take two

Without getting into the whole why did James Bond carry a crappy PPK for years I shall continue though Brosnan did change for a Walther P99.

The evil sounding Glocks became cool because it was made out of synthetic polymers and not steel, whoop de doo and now everyone using them including the FBI, IRS , LAPD the English police (when they are allowed) and the Police Service of Northern Ireland.


Interchangeable with the Glocks has been the Sig-Sauer, even Detective Lieutenant John McClane has swapped his 9mm Beretta for one in the last and quite crap Die Hard for more than 4 hours you call a doctor but its not free film this Sig-Sauer is simply known as a P220. Old Knudsen can't keep up with all the numbers its just like all the cars that now look the same.


Scully with her Sig-Sauer 226 increasing the sexiness of weapons 10 fold. Remember its not guns that kill people, its the bullets they fire.

Blood And Guts Knudsen

I jumped into the trench my peripheral vision seeing movement to my right I swung my M1897 shotgun and blasted before I hit the ground. I stumbled up against the side pumping my gun in preparation, in the semi light of the evening I could see the enemy raising their weapons to aim so I fired pumped fired and pumped until the way was cleared of anyone standing.

I quickly looked behind me as I'd be fucked if there was someone there but Old Knudsen's luck was holding out. I jammed a few shells into my shotgun and checked that my Webley revolver was loaded, I knew it was but it became like an OCD ritual for me.

I stepped over bodies some not fully dead yet and remembered, "They are not people they are the enemy" I save my compassion for my own men. One was a little too lively still so I angled my fighting knife up into their skull, I didn't want any working trigger fingers at my back.

I heard a voice sounding over the din of battle "I can help you over here" I started to run ready to blast anyone that got in my way and I slammed the generic hemorrhoid cream doon onto the conveyor belt. I looked into the cashier's face and only saw the emptiness of a wasted existence.

Once out of Wal-Mart I just walked until I was out of sight of the place. I got to a low wall and allowed my body to break doon, I sobbed and shook as I searched for my cigarettes my fingers clumsily opened the box , damn it was empty . Wal-Mart was the only place for miles, could I go back in there? if I did I'd lose my soul into the abyss for sure, I fingered my Webley a fleeting image of blood and brains splattering over the wall behind me flashed through my mind.

"No!" I said out aloud with tears streaming doon my face, "The crows will no be feeding off Old Knudsen today" I applied some cream to my itching anus and set my jaw in determination.

I *bummed a fag* off some fella at the bus stop and went home, the Mini Mart would be less dangerous but my OCD would compel me to buy beer too that would be the price of my strategy .



*Not in a ghey way*

Severe Weather Alert

Southern Callyfornia is expecting a wee storm soon and you would not believe what happened tonight.It was getting really muggy with the humidity rising and then about half past ten it happened.
For the first time in history it started to rain men. The only ones who seemed to enjoy this were a couple of big black weemen who were getting absolutely soaking wet ................. from all the blood and innards.


It was disgusting as most of the men did not survive the fall and the cars got the ones that did. You won't see it on the news but hey if it rains rain doon here you'll here all about that.



Over to Sarah Gonzales for the latest, "Yes Rick some people did indeed feel rain on them today causing cars on the westbound 60 Freeway to brake suddenly reducing speed to 10 mph and apply their windshield wipers. Governor Schwarzenegger is calling for a state of emergency and immediate aid for those whose hair got damp in the torrential light drizzle."

Fucking Quitter!

She lit her first cigarette around the outbreak of the First World War in 1914 not 1917 as the Americans seem to think.

Now Winne Langley 102 has kicked the habit after 95 years because she "didn’t fancy it any more" five cigarettes a day, giving a total of more than 170,000 in her lifetime.

Mrs Langley, who would share cigarettes with her friends at infant school, reckons she hasn’t contracted cancer because she does not inhale. Much like the old Clinton reason, he also didn't have sex because he came in bathroom sinks and on blue dresses not into fat chicks.

So its ok to share cigarettes at school but if you try to sell drugs? fucking double standard.

The former laundrette worker, who lives in Croydon, South London said: "Everyone used to smoke in those days, you did it to cope. We didn’t know about the health problems. I just don’t fancy it any more."

Another way of coping was binge drinking, a fine tradition that still goes on today .......... its tough being British.

"My eyesight is failing so in a few years’ time I might not be able to see the pack."

Her cigarettes were always to hand during the Depression and the Second World War, in fact she'd have cigarette and tripe sandwiches for tea .

"I lived close to Biggin Hill and you could hear the German rocket bombs engines cut out," she said.

That would be the V-1 rockets or Doodlebugs, guided missiles that would cut their engines and silently glide doon to their targets and explode. People nick-named them 'Bob Hope bombs' you'd bob to one side and hope they wouldn't hit you.

"Some bombs used to land pretty close to me. You needed a smoke after that. We didn’t know if we were going to be alive from one day to the next, so we thought you might as well enjoy yourself while you’re alive."

Mrs Langley has outlived her husband Robert, who died in 1968 after deciding he just didn't fancy it no more, and her son, who died four years ago aged 72.

She said: "I’ve cut down in recent years and only had one every few days after dinner or in my bedroom. I can just about afford it but the price of cigarettes is disgusting, and the smoking ban is disgusting. You should be able to smoke where you want."

Indeed Mrs Langley you should be able to blow yer smoke into the faces of babies because Britain has earned that right.

Mrs Langley’s step-grandson Clive, 53, said: "Her doctors have told her there’s not much point stopping now. If she’s got to 102 without getting cancer I don’t think she ever will."

Shows you what the fuck doctors know. I wonder what the official medical cut off age is before they don't give a fuck.

See the NHS death panels at work, no Americans keep yer system I believe you deserve it.

I don't see any oxygen tubes up her nose like you would in America so well done the UK for having better air..

If you complain about Europeans smoking you should visit the Inland Empire which explains the every other month wildfire as butts are thrown out of car windys, fucking stupid arseholes .

Here only the poor and movie stars smoke cos it makes em look cool. Cigarettes are a stimulant Mrs Langley pot would have helped you cope ya silly coffin dodging bint.

The 10 Suggestions

In the spirit of the Church Of Old Knudsen I have changed the 10 commandments to the 10 suggestions. The originals were way too serious and a bit obvious. Live life, be grateful for what you have, keep learning and experiencing and don't be a cunt ................ its easy.


1) "I am the LORD your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt, from the house of slavery. You shall have no other gods before Me..."

1) "I am Old Knudsen who is a spy in the hoose of love. You can have as many Gods as ye want because God is one."
2) "Do not make an image or any likeness of what is in the heavens above..."

2) "Ach sure it does no harm go ahead."
3) "Do not swear falsely by the name of the LORD..."

3) "Old Knudsen finds it funny to shout 'Jesus Christ!' when he sees a picture of Jesus so go ahead its all publicity."
4) "Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy."

4) "Everyday is holy as everyday is a gift unless you have to work it."

5) "Honour yer Da and yer MA."

5) " Unless they are total cunts."
6) "Do not murder."

6) " Only murder if they deserve it like pedos or politicians."

7) "Do not commit adultery."

7) " Unless there is a really really good reason to do so."
8) "Do not steal."

8) "Swiping the odd pen from a faceless chain store that over prices is ok."
9) "Do not bear false witness against your neighbour."

9) "Unless yer neighbour who is a wife beater has the nerve to call the police on you when you mooned them and told them to fuck off."
10) "Do not covet your neighbor's wife."

10) "Unless she is hot and yer just looking."

Love To Love Ya Baby

A poll of 15,000 dirty weemen found that Germans are considered "too smelly and liked to force their way into places they had no right to go".

English lovers came second because they are so lazy which explains why all the main roads in England are built by the Irish, while men from Sweden were branded "too quick to finish" and came third or rather first.

Spanish men topped the table as the best lovers, followed by Brazilians and Italians. Having cum from large families they gain much of their experience from their siblings.

The poll, carried out by a global research site asked sluttish weemen who get around a fair bit from 20 countries to rate nations on their ability in bed and give reasons for their answers.

Germans were deemed to have bad body odour, Englishmen were accused of letting women do all the work, whilst Swedes were a bit too quick to finish.

Men from Holland were "too rough" especially with their fingers and dykes and Americans were accused of being "too dominating" as having seen too much porn they like to direct in the bedroom.

Greek men were said to be a bit too soppy....................... ghey!

Other countries who didn't fare well in the poll were Scotland (too loud), Turkey (too sweaty) and Wales (too selfish).

Russian men crept in at tenth place amid accusations they are too hairy and drunk for the average woman also their judicial system was corrupt having only 2 of the 15 big murder cases over the years solved.

A spokesperson added: ''These results are an eye-opener for thousands of men around the world and female travellers might judge potential new lovers by looking at these results.'' Old Knudsen certainly will.

WORLD'S WORST LOVERS:

1. Germany (too smelly)

2. England (too lazy)

3. Sweden (too quick)

4. Holland (too rough)

5. America (too dominating)

6. Greece (too lovey-dovey)

7. Wales (too selfish)

8. Scotland (too loud)

9. Turkey (too sweaty)

10. Russia (too hairy)

WORLD'S BEST LOVERS

1. Spain

2. Brazil

3. Italy

4. France

5. Ireland

6. South Africa

7. Australia

8. New Zealand

9. Denmark

10. Canada

To defend my beautiful Scotland which I don't really think I have to as I wasn't polled, what is wrong with being loud? Old Knudsen may like to rip off the odd fart as he pumps away but ya can hardly hear them over the sound of ' My sweet Killamory.'

"The old cock crows with a joy to be alive in the land where the sweet heather thrives.
Oh my lass thought it nice when I slipped it in twice on the shores of the Killamory."

Old Knudsen has only made it through all 12 verses once and just got into Scotland the brave before he yelled FFFFRRREEEEDDDOOOMMMM! ask yer Ma.

I see that as having colour and making it a more Scottish experience I mean whatever Spain,Brazil,Italy,France all fuck with their mouths and fight wae their feet. Is Ireland a real cuntry? South Africa yeah right they forgot to add they throw a tire around yer neck after and burn ya alive, Australia is famous for its men and their considerate ways towards weemen and is New Zealand not the same place? Denmark should have done better and my Knudsen blood curdles in disgust and Canada? Everyone knows Canadians are so boring that they fall asleep during sex but hey they are very polite with the wipes. There is only one Canadian that makes the grade and I suspect he may have some Scottish in him.

Old Knudsen never has any luck with the dolphins but Donn can charm anything with or without a heartbeat.