Described as "The Brink's pill heist" Police are looking into the hole that was cut in the roof of a
pharmaceutical-firm warehoose which crooks slide doon on ropes and stole $75 million worth of prescription drugs.
Enfield, Connecticut Police Chief Carl Starrazza stood on the roof his cold steel eyes squinting into the morning sun, "Only 3 men in the world are capable of doing a job like this" he said as he chomped on his jelly donut, sticky red jam getting apprehended in his large ghey looking Magnum PI mustache. "Ethan Hunt, James Bond and Jason Bourne, we have warrants out for them but unless the Doppler 3000 satellite picks them up I doubt we'll see them".
Another detective looks up from the hole and says, "Jack Bauer could easily have done this chief."
Starrazza frowns then vigorously shakes his head, " The man has talent but he was tracking down the rock group 'Nuclear rods' before they got to New York and besides I'd trust that son of a bitch with my life so belay that kinda talk."
The detective quickly put his head down in rookie-like shame. Near the back of the roof a diligent 'CSI Connecticut' officer was reading the 'Morning sun' and didn't even look up from the newspaper as he said, "Peter Graves just recently died was he not an alias for Ethan Hunt AKA Eat my Cunt?"
Starrazza went into action from the neck up, " Bates, Hamilton go look into Graves you have 24 hours or you'll be busted and back to taffic duty before you can spit".
Bates and Hamilton (who were busy texting) shrugged and walked off, you could hear one say to the other, "Looking into Graves beats the fuck out of looking into holes" the other replied, "Hey I liked working traffic how dare he belittle my colleagues like that. "
The stealing of prescription drugs from warehooses is not a new thing in fact police usually find that 98% of those trouble makers have pre-existing conditions, for the record Jack Bauer has chronic 'geezer body syndrome' but can afford health coverage.
The stolen drugs included the antidepressants Prozac and Cymbalta and the anti-psychotic Zyprexa. No narcotics or other painkillers were in the warehouse damn it.
Its a sign of the times that medicine is so highly valued, pills are the new gold. Back in the day drugs meant pot and LDS but now its what yer granny takes.
No one ever broke into a warehoose to steal Limsip which tasted minging by the way and was used by parents as a punishment for getting a cold not a cure.
Its good to see Americans standing up for themselves, briefly before they fall back into their power scooters because if they can't get health care or cheap pills from Canada or the Interweb then they'll steal it.
Old Knudsen stood on the roof of the warehoose and popped a handful of pills with a swig of breakfast beer, "What are ya taking there Knudsen?" asked Starrazza as he looked Old Knudsen's chiseled body up and down wondering how he got to the scene of the crime so fast, no not so fast why the fuck is he here?
Old Knudsen held his cool beer that relieved the friction burns on his hand, "What difference does it make who cares? I'm away to operate some heavy machinery on the toilet if you know what I mean."
Starrazza did know what Old Knudsen meant and was glad that it was the warehoose hole he was looking into.
Update:
Jason Bourne's passport was flagged in Turkey and he was taken into custody. He claims he can't remember breaking into the warehoose but knows he can shotgun 14 beers before his hands start to shake and can kill a man (A big man) in 3 seconds in total silence using only the crusty sock he wanks into NOW HOW CAN HE KNOW THAT?
James Bond was seen buying hair products in London but evaded the joint Interpol-Intercourse task force with his rocket powered watch made by Sekonda that is self winding when shaken in a fist fight but watch out for the rockets .
More updates as they occur now over to Jim on the sports desk.
