Great Britain: "Hello America? yeah its me, yes I did have a great time .. Oh the kind gift of a 25 DVD box set of classic American films such as Star Wars, The Godfather and who doesn't like the wizard of Oz? well even though they won't work in the UK it does put my gifts of the ornamental pen holder made from the timbers of the Victorian anti-slave ship HMS Gannet whose sister ship HMS Resolute, was carved to make a desk that has sat in the Oval Office in the White House since 1880.
The other gifts of the framed painting of HMS Resolute the first edition of the seven-volume biography of Churchill by Sir Martin Gilbert and the clothes and books we gave to your children to shame.
We should have put more thought into your gifts.
Anyway Churchill was the first to say we had a 'special relationship' way back in 1946 but I think its time we saw other countries............
America: Just what are you trying to say bitch ? Remember no one walks away from the US of A.
Great Britain: Our Commons Foreign Affairs committee thinks we should have a time out and not use the special relationship term anymore as it reminds people of the support Britain gave to President George W Bush over the Iraq war.......... they called us America's poodle.
America: Well that isn't my fucking problem if you walk out that door you won't see half the tourists you get now and if Germany tries to invade well don't come crying to me .
Great Britain: don't be like that we'd still like to be friends as our link is "profound and valuable" and we've been asking for years for you to stop sending your tourists over and to be honest Germany is in far better financial shape than America.
America: You'd be speaking German if it wasn't for us you ungrateful fucker.
Great Britain: You Yanks do swear a lot. It would be handy to be able to speak German a very difficult language to learn.
The thing is you've lied to us and have dragged us through the mud, you whine about all the fighting in the war but when we take the areas with the most heavy fighting and settle it down you spit on us when we are ready to go and you are still struggling in the easier places, not to mention how you keep killing our blokes by accident then you bring us flowers and promise it will never happen again and then two weeks later it does................ we've had enough, you're a thoughtless bully who doesn't really care about us.
America: I'm so fine baby you know you'll be back.
Great Britain: Your poor interest rate is not very interesting my therapist has told me we have to learn to say 'no' and treat you like everyone else as its not like you'll listen to us. You only entered the two World Wars when it suited you .
America: Don't let the door hit you on the way out, France is begging to be our next junior and very dispensable partner.
Great Britain: Go fornicate with France then and good day .
America: No I'm dumping you.
Great Britain: I said good day sir !
Great Britain: Hello Northern Ireland, yes how are you doing? did you get the many pay offs to encourage the politicians to talk to each other? No it was our pleasure................. how long have we known each other for?
