In my time I've been known as a trouble shooter, if I have any trouble I shoot it.
So after Richard Nixon had his disastrous TV debate with JFK in which he sweated like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs and looked shifty they called me in to do an image make over.
Sort of like Queer eye for the up-tight guy, no I'm not saying I was a poof, queer meant unusual back then and I was unusual in fact I was gay and carefree it was the 60's man slutty stoned weemen and hippy bashing all done with love and peace and a flower in yer hair.
First we gave Nixon a spine operation which stopped his sweating, if he went out into the sun his skin burned like hell but it was a price I was willing to pay.
Some product in his hair and a nickname. Slicky Dicky sounded pervy, I liked it but then I found out about his erectile dysfunction so 'Tricky Dick' it had to be, we said it was because he was crafty but it was an in joke to make us feel superior.
The fact he was a Quaker and could never get his oats was funny as fuck to me and fuck is quite funny.
After getting kicked around by the press for mysterious campaign funding etc his popularity grew when John and Robert Kennedy were shot by crazed gunmen and nothing to do with me and a sniper rifle honest, forget what I said about trouble shooting.
He got elected to the Whitehoose in 68 due to my efforts and my campaign based on Nixon being born in a log cabin in California and wrestling a Communist bear who had cut doon his cherry tree when he was aged only 3, I was kept on as an advisor.
I had some great arms deals going on with the commies back then so I advised Nixon to back off Soviet Russia and China or I'd knee cap him, he was very obliging.
Nixon went to China and paved the way for the Wham visit a decade later, he devised an exit strategy out of Vietnam which involved replacing demoralised American troops with under gunned corrupt poorly trained Vietnamese troops, no wait that's Iraq isn't it?
So do they not teach history in schools in America? cos history seems to be repeating like a cucumber sandwich.
Ever come up with an idea in the wee hours of the morning after a few drinks and wake up the next day and say, "fuck sake what did I do?" well that was Watergate.
The bugging of the Democrat headquarters in the Watergate hotel complex.
Nixon was well into it, he once told me his old Lyndon Johnson stood up and hailed to the chief as the rush of blood from all the excitement rushed to his head, something that hadn't happened in years.
I was getting bored in my job, controlling economies, armies and ordering people killed just wasn't the same as pointing a rifle on a grassy knoll and cracking open the largest head ever, people started getting caught for breaking in and planting the bugs so it was time to go.
People only knew me as Rimjob (Deep Throat was already taken) so I tapped the secret slush fund in Mexico and disappeared.
I saw Nixon on the telly shouting out that he wasn't a crook, he was supposed to shout out he wasn't a cook, it was a joke for fucks sake, fucking yanks never get my jokes.
Nixon resigned in 1974 and was pardoned by Gerald Ford as part of the whole becoming a president deal which stopped Ford from being re-elected leading to the blah years of Carter and hostages held by Iranian students.
I started my 6 year drink and drugs binge in 1977 the same year as Carter was elected . I was on a doonward spiral because of the death of Elvis, fuck man he was the king.
I went to Afghanistan and fought against the Russians with the Taliban or I fought against the Taliban it was all a bit of a haze which one of those bad guys were being funded and trained by the US ?
Ach I do remember that the Taliban had all the chewing gum, chocolate and nylons though, they used to give them to camels for sexual favours.
Ah well its like dealing with the Devil and no good came of it except in 1987 I was sent a Russian medal of valour and it seems I have a statue up in Red square, for fucks sake, what or who did I do?
Not had enough Old Knudsen today? Then Read This
