Pastor Bobby L Rapture of the Faith in Gog First Tabernacle Presbyterian Sanatoria Church of our Lard in Killamory has touched me in places I have never been touched before.
Yes my soul. I thought that being a fallen angel I did not have a soul but it seems if you pretend really hard and keep saying that you do then by gum you have a soul, oh and slaughtering 14 white cocks and drinking a virgin's menstrual blood during a Full moon with the mummified finger of a 200 year-old murderer up yer bung hole has to be done too.
I have a soul, automatic doors open for me, bar-tenders see me and serve me, waiters still ignore me but that's because I don't tip and they are snooty cunts and anonymous bothers to leave rude comments on my news blog. Of course I can still fly, see in the dark and rip a man's head off with a single blow from my super strong fist.
I owe all my inner peace and religious moral superiority to Pastor Rapture.
I was doon and he lifted me up and said, "do you believe in Gog my son?" I looked into his bloodshot milky eyes and said, "Yes I've linked to him but he hasn't posted in ages is Gog still alive and why does he let all these bad things happen in the world?" The pastor laughed, belched and blamed the pepperoni pizza, " Gog has always been here" and he touched my chest where my heart should be (long story) He allows death, rape, famine, disease and reality shows to happen because he doesn't give a fuck, as Gog hath say'th 'judge others and be bitter about it' then all will become clear."
All was clear for I do judge others, mostly because they are cunts, yes I'm talking about you, don't sit their all smug and think I don't know about you, no not you, you, oh yeah yer the kind of person who won't buy self sealing envelopes because you like the taste of the gum and love to spread yer dirty DNA all over the place, you plug in an adaptor and lick the end to get an electrical tingle on yer tongue, you pick yer nose and wipe it on something or flick it and are arrogant enough to think someday in the future a scientist will find it and clone you from it, fuck I hate you but hey thanks for reading.
From now on I shall be more spiritual and loving towards lesser people, just don't breathe on me, and since its Sunday I shall lead you all in prayer for I am the son of Gog.
Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is credit card debt.
Blessed are they that mourn; for the shall be taken advantage of and pity fucked in their vulnerable state .
Blessed are the meek; for they shall never read me .
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness; for they shall become bitter and jaded.
Blessed are the merciful; for the shall stabbed from behind.
Blessed are the pure in heart; for they shall be easily led.
Blessed are the peacemakers; for they shall have their flags burned.
Blessed are they that are persecuted for rightousness sake; for DNA testing shall clear them.
Pastor Bobby L Rapture was born in Kilmartin in 1948. He moved to Arbroath and was disgusted at the sin there. He became active in the bus ministry, an usher and a Sunday school teacher.
Pastor Bobby Rapture accepted Jesus as his personal savior at the age of 21 years old. He received the baptism of the Holy Spirit while having a vision of shaking hands with Jesus for one hour and forty-five minutes.
The Lord then called him into the ministry.
An honest mistake, if you need spirtual guidance e-mail him at He preached part-time at the Glory-hole in Arbroath then became assistant pastor in 1999 and in 2002 became pastor of the Faith in Gog First Tabernacle Presbyterian Sanatoria Church of our Lard in Arbroath when Senior Pastor Eugene Rapture went into semi-retirement.
The church moved to Killamory in 2007 after sex abuse allegations from the Chapel next door.
So anyway does anyone know what this is? it looks like custard but doesn't taste like it.