When I was a young man I had enough of the ways of civilisation, the noise the hustle not to mention the bustle and stupid restrictions on beating up homeless people. I sold my flower arranging business and set off to become a mountain man. I had rawhide for muscle and steel for nerves, the Doctor couldn't do anything about that, I also had shit for brains and hemorrhoids that wouldn't quit.
Old Knudsen loves beaver, what a fine creation of God it was a true gift to Mankind. I like to look at beaver I like to touch and rub up against beaver I like the taste of beaver but I can't stand the smell. My hobby was taxidermy so now and again I've stuff a beaver, stuffing it from behind is a firm favourite way of mine to do it.
I've trapped beaver on the Platte, Arkansa, Missoura, Yaller stone and the Grand river. I'd play it strong but sensitive, the beaver fell for it everytime.
I had numerous run-ins with Injuns. I know its not very PC to talk about the great white invasion of America and the genocide of the natives that would put Hitler to shame and the fact that President Ulysses Grant once said, "the only good Indian is a dead Indian" but back then it was almost a requirement to kill Indians, like smoking we think its cool then and everyone is doing it but then later we find out its not so cool, ah well we won get over it.
My trapping was a big thorn in the side to chief Mocking bird of the Wu-Tang Clan tribe for I refused to pay him half of my trappings as he demanded for being on his turf. Being the chief he wouldn't come out and fight me himself he would send lone warriors who would hide in the trees and mock me for 3 days before they would attack. Give me Blackfoot, Apache or Raphaho anyday at least they never gave me a complex about my facial expression, they also used to sing this song,"Old Knudsen's doing it doing it doing it picking his nose and chewing it", for fuck sake I'm miles from nowhere and I need to eat my greens, at least I'm not in my car at a red light with my hand up to the wrist up my nose digging for gold as I bop away to Celine Dion thinking that no one is watching me.
I killed at least 40 warriors in all with my trusty David Bowie knife and Hawken rifle and became the greatest enemy the Wu-Tang Clan ever had, I even killed Mocking Bird's son his name was ' Suck my Fenian cock', a fine warrior but not fine enough.............. there MJ are you happy now?
Mocking bird was feeling the loss of so many warriors as he had to still fight other white men and other tribes so he negotiated for peace with me, he was a shell of the man he was before not cocky or sarcastic, we had a party with face painting and the ceremonial licking of the greatest enemies balls by the chief, he said they tasted bitter and so I was given the name 'tiny bitter balls' ,it was cold and my parts had taken refuge inside my body, when I became a Sinatra fan I changed the tiny to old to match his 'old blue eyes' nickname.
The chief married me off to his hottest daughter, I made a joke about liking brown beaver but he didn't get it, must of had Aspergers.
My new wife 'little nag' was good for keeping me warm but as it wasn't a Christian ceremony so I don't count her as one of my wives.
I traveled doon to Rendezvous to sell my pelts and once I had money I drank to excess (what other way is there to drink?) and lost Little nag in a poker game, after 3 days I left with no money yet again a free man.
They were young and in love, its natural so don't judge them.I used to spend the odd winter up in a cabin owned by Grizzly Adams a big hairy guy that the gheys would refer to as a bear, which is funny as he had as his life partner a bear named Gentle Ben, those two were crazy fuckers doing lines then shaving love messages into each other's fur, I've never seen so many mirrors or glass surfaces in a log cabin ever. I don't care what those two got up to together I just wish they would of kept it doon a little. I got sea sick one night as the cabin was rocking so much. Its sad that they lived in such a backwards cuntry that didn't allow them to marry I mean who is it hurting? the divorce rate is at 50% why should they not suffer marriage too? they also want to raise children except when they get one Ben usually eats it ,adoption agencies
take a dim view on that but don't worry they were Indian children.
