A few years back I lived in England, Sasenachs all around me with their silly accents and soft ways. The area I lived in was a little bit rough but tame compared to Scotland of course.
The war of terror against the Muslims was still on then, soldiers were eyeing up anyone with a sun tan or a bandaged head wound and the Government was abusing it's power in the name of national security.
Only one group of people stood up against the system, Robin the hoodie and his band of merry men, formerly a cabaret act, playing the castles and working men's clubs, now as a band of outlaws they thwarted King John's plans to raise the tax on tobacco and alcohol by stealing from the rich and keeping it because they were poor, in Robin's usual drunken state it all made sense.
Whoa like lady dude, I'm totally Robin Hood, can't you tell by my accent?King John was keeping the throne warm for his brother Richard. Richard wasn't much of a king, he had a near fatal heart attack with led him to be transplanted with the heart of a lion, as he recovered he found religion and went off to the middle east to behead and convert (in that order) anyone that wasn't Christian and to keep Jerusalem Camel Jockey free as little baby Jesus would have wanted .
I almost joined Robin and his merry men, I did the odd ambush in which we covered ourselves in leaves , swung from the trees while laughing and slapping our thighs in glorious technicolour winning the day, though in Autumn with the falling leaves it was a little bit harder, but that was our plan and the only one we could think of.
Robin being the lead singer never had a shortage of chicks around the camp, Marion and Guinevere were always at each others throats and Robin would sit and watch with glee, then it would end in a magic mushroom fueled orgy with Robin, Marion, Guinevere and Glee who mostly liked to watch.
Michael Praed as Robin in the TV series, before he was assassinated at his own royal wedding in Falcon Crest.The merry men were not very merry, well Will Scarlet was definitely a Mary, he had changed his name from Will Flaming and was a proper dandy, to get him into a blood rage all you had to say was "did you see the look that soldier gave your shoes?" within seconds that soldier had his eyes scratched out and tuffs of his hair missing.
Little John had issues, a big 7ft tall fella like him and only a little cocktail sausage of a willy, God has a wicked sense of humour alright.
One time John came over to me and whipped out his lad " look at this and tell me what you think" he said, I looked at the sad little thing and tried to reassure him,"it doesn't matter what size it is when its soft and limp all you do is pee out of it ", his eyes welled up and he turned and ran off, I heard him mutter inbetween sobs,"that was my biggest boner yet".
Friar Tuck had deep physiological problems too, his love of boys and the church was in conflict, usually a man of the cloth does whatever he wants and everyone but him gets the blame but tuck had a conscience, well more than most, in his pain he would over eat and then throw it back up in guilt and disgust at himself , he was thoughtful in the respect he always threw up in the pig's trough,"waste was a sin " he would say as he wiped his mouth.
I got a little bored with this band of brigands, and will was starting to look quite attractive in a certain light so being a man who believes in the law I went to the sheriff of Nottingham and touted on the lot of them for a pardon.
Jason Connery (son of Sean) took over from Praed showing that Robin Hood went blonde long before Bond did though the connection and the fact that Jason also played Ian Fleming totally bends my shite.After serving time in prison Robin and Glee were drafted into the army to rid them of their hippy ways, you may have heard of the Yabba Do prison torture scandal, well that was them.
Marion and Guinevere being ladies were forced to become nuns and now munch rug for God.
Little John liked prison life, though his lad was tiny he had really well defined buns of steel and became a catcher not a pitcher, to promote prison harmony he was given a longer sentence.
Friar Tuck took his computer to PC world to get it repaired, he then got charged with having kiddie porn on it but the church got him off and now he lives in Spain where anything goes, aboard his pleasure boat El Cid with 3 young Moorish Friends, Michael, Roger and Patrick, and though you can sometimes hear the after dinner splashing of overboard boaking hes lost a lot of weight and is happy with himself as a Godless Pedo.
Some twat that fancies himself as Robin Hood, if you read this twat, punch yourself in the balls.Will Scarlet met Ivan the Ho while in jail and now live in Bristol together and became Mr and Mr Maroon, probably no relation to the good Doctor.
I got a Knighthood and a small piece of land called Tyne and Wear, more silly accents, I ran that place into the ground before Richard the Lion hearted Frog who couldn't speak a word of English, and only used England to raise money to war against the Muslims came back in the last 5 minutes of the movie and chased me off.
Never fear, if this post is a hit I may come back in the sequel as a time traveling Cyborg (its all true you know) and kick his arse.
