Bob The Diddler, Can You Diddle Them?

Here young fella, use this cloth to wipe it off.

I've always suspected Bob the Builder of being a bit of a Pedophile but I never had proof . I confronted him once with the question of why he puts Glory holes in everything he builds, he started talking about airflow and that he just follows the plans. I didn't believe him, then I saw this book.
The 6 textures are, young buttocks, young pink, you know this book is just sick I can't name them all, go to Haden powell's blog for that sort of thing.

Bob the Builder is a sick pedo and must be stopped, Who will rid me of this meddlesome Builder?

For all you culture less people that was me paraphrasing Henry the 8th when talking about Thomas a Becket , oh never mind just go and kill him and we'll call it an accident.

For Cyberscribe.

A picture of Greyabbey I took about 1996, another one of Britain's ruins that you wonder what it would of looked like in its day.

For Rich.

The Harland and Wolfe cranes Samson and Goliath , from the same shipyard in Belfast that made the Titanic, not a boast but a fact as it kinda sunk. You can see these cranes from most of the city. Not a picture I took.

Happy Hogmanay.

Hogmanay wouldn't be right without the late great Andy Stewart.

Some New Year's superstitions for you.

Put money into shoes for good luck before midnight hits, no I don't know what amounts or if the exchange rate matters much or if its all yer shoes or what.

Sprinkle sugar around yer house for good luck. If you have ants this may not be so lucky.

Wear red gunties, red is the colour of passion so you can get some in the cumming year.

If you want to travel put suitcases outside yer door. Chain them up I'd suggest or some bastard will be off with them. I'm putting my large tartan suitcase outside tonight as I'm on a promise from Kimba and she lives in Austria.

Eat a spoonful of lentils for good luck, hey I'm not making this shit up you know.

When Big Ben rings (its the name of the bell inside not the clock) sit doon and stand up for each dong for good luck in love and marriage, for marriage you need all the luck you can get.

Don't forget, its bad luck to sleep through Big Ben ringing in the new years or yer ball dropping or whatever it is you do.

The most luckiest thing of all, much like catching a leprechaun and getting his gold is finding a one legged old Scots man and giving him a BJ in a dark alley way, you are bound to get excellent luck and much happiness this new year, and perhaps a rash of some kind.

So enjoy yer fireball swinging if that's what your are into, just make sure that excessive drinking is involved, 3rd degree burns are always funnier when drunk. Remember the old Hogmanay folklore that dark haired people are welcome as its assumed that they are yer fellow Scots, blonde and red headed people must be killed immediately as they must be Norsemen .

Remember don't be a Sasenach and sing 'for the sake of auld lang syne'.


Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne ?

CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And surely you’ll buy your pint cup !
And surely I’ll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have run about the hills,
and pulled the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine (dinner time) ;
But seas between us broad have roaredsince auld lang syne.

CHORUS

And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

A Commentary On The Death Penalty.

I woke up this morning, well nearly afternoon with a spring in my step, its a cold but bright day today and nearly time to start drinking.
Saddam is dead of which I am glad as knowing the Middle east he may very well have gotten off. It doesn't make up for all the Kurds , Iranians or those marsh Arabs that Saddam had gassed, bombed tortured and shot but at least he is no longer laughing at the bodies of the weemen and children while he lives it up, he lost his power, his family and what ever dignity he had, his pact with The great Satan must of run out.

For those that are against the death penality, why keep the murders alive? what does it serve? they aren't suffering torment they still have the gift of life, they can remember and wank off over their kills while they sit for 20 years on death row writing pop up books and trying to evade death, they aren't remorseful, they won't be rehabilitated they proved they can't live and play nicely with others so get rid of them, they are just draining resources.

For those against the death penalty I say 'you' then pay for their upkeep, go into their cells yourself with a TV dinner and see where the plastic fork ends up and how many times you get brutalized like the little children they got arrested for.

Being mentally insane is no excuse, if you drown 5 of yer kids one by one you should not want to live afterwards when you get treatment, what kind of monster thinks they should be allowed to live after the things they did and how can they live with themselves?

Never mind that, I got a Troll on my dropping like flies post, today is a good day indeed.

Did you notice how they hung Saddam to ellipse the comments made by Ford that were anti Cheny, Rumsfeld and Bush? they were to be released after Ford's death, sort of a Troll from the grave.

Ding Dong The Bitch Is Dead.

I demand a new suit and some lemon icees .

I just got back from my # 1 choice for news Sassy Sundry and great the news was .

Saddam Hussein has been hung. I am actually happy at this as a number one scum bag pays for his life of murder.
He refused a hood and played on the religion that hes ignored for so long by shouting "God is Great " not that he will ever meet him. Burn in Hell you slimy chin.
Of course what this means for the middle east is fighting, shootings and bombings, so no change there.

Old Knudsen revels in his demise, does this count as dying in threes? because then there would be one more.

Old Knudsen Plays The Dating Game.

I've recently read some blogs that had the female Bloggers in dating situations and I've fought the urge to be all parental where these gurls are concerned as I know what wankers a lot of men (not me) can be. I just want to sit them on my lap as I stroke their hair and discuss how the only thing men want is their dirty pillows and their va va, then I'd like to run them a bath and scrub their backs while humming the Eskimo song of grieving then pop a porno movie onto the telly and have a game of twister.
Anyway I feel the need to talk to these potential suitors while I polish my shotgun, "hands to yerself, keep it zipped, yer best behaviour and back by ten, am I understood?" :::pulls back shotgun hammer::::::

I thought I would unleash myself onto the dating world so I signed up for UKdating.com to see what I would get.
I entered all my info and kept getting paired up with old weemen, for fuck sake, if I wanted a woman of my own age I'd go to the cemetery, dig one up and jump her bones, I like it when they lie still.

So I had to get creative and knock a few years of my age, well a few decades more like, ok ya bastards more than a few. I put my profession as a brain surgeon/part time airline pilot whose hobbies are saving African orphans (cute ones only) sailing my yacht around the Caribbean, staying at my summer villa in Tuscany , painting , poetry, tantric sex and foot massages.
It was a pretty in depth questionnaire so I made sure I added a few extra inches on to my size, I mean my height.

I put up a picture of my younger years which included my best jumper (sweater) a doggie, weemen are suckers for pets and some art to make me look deep.
I know some past remarkable cunt will nit pick at my stunning good looks , fucking haters, I so relate to Brad and George always someone jealous of yer beauty.
I think if I told people I was a centuries old one legged zombie sorcerer whose hobby is tormenting others and likes a swally I don't think I'd get much action .

I got a lot of female interest as you would expect, a couple of real mingers who I shall keep on the back burner incase the others don't work out, I got one Leonard Cohen fan, yeah probably all artsy fartsy and into the South Bank show and I got one that's into PETA and a perfect date for her is to throw paint at a Burberry shop (plaid is murder) and anyone that said they were into independent or foreign films, pretentious shites got ignored so I ended up going to dinner with a 32 year old single mother , a sure thing you'd think right? as she has a kid and all , not sure about that line of logic but all my mates say so .

A nice gurl but a lot of trouble to go to for a shag.

She was attractive but very unresponsive to my charm,she keep going on about how much older I looked in real life and did I ever take my hat off? and why did I have such a sour expression on my face? I didn't know if she was more like a Peeler (police) or an American, or maybe an American Peeler.
She got all snooty when I took her to KFC and made me pay for my own, theres playing hard to get and then theres cheap, but you should have seen the knockers on her, I pretty much didn't make eye contact all night, weemen love that, it shows you appreciate their boobs.

Half way through the meal and a pleasant conversation about leveling the Middle east and turning all the Sandsavages into slaves my tummy started to bubble, it didn't smell that bad, I mean I could of done worse as it didn't touch cloth nor did the turtle pop it's head out. I did say excuse me, it must have been the herbs and the spices. I got up and told her I was going to the shitter, its funny but it looked like KFC gravy when it came out if only I had a camera phone so I could post a picture. When I got back to my table my lady love wasn't there. I waited 2 hours then got a KFC flump'a'lump to check the toilets, nope no sign of her very strange, must of had a family emergency, quite rude of her not to tell me, I can't stand rudeness, so anyway I finished the food she had left, well what I hadn't already ate the first hour of waiting and I went home tired and lonely, and to think I washed my parts for this.
I'll wait until she comes crawling before I give her a second date, maybe its time to e-mail the mingers.


Rejections from weemen that Old Knudsen has had in his life that have all meant fuck off.

No.
I'm chock 'a' block
I'm seeing someone
Your'e not my type
I've got a terminal illness
I'm married
I'm engaged
We're not the same species
Not enough money
Get away from me or I'll call the police
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha !

When weemen break up and say to the guy,"we can still be friends".

What she means: shes met someone else or you're dull and she wants to end this
nice and quietly so smile shake hands and leave. You'll maybe only see each other
on the street and you'll nod hello and that's it.

What he thinks to this : pretend to take it well and pound a few beers later and hit some walls, oh yes I'll be her friend, I'll call her up and hang out with her and when I see weakness I'll either get back with her or teach her a lesson.

Ripper Update.

To add something, the Blog Ripper is possibly a Blogger with a large ego who leaves clues all over the place as he thinks we are too stupid to get them and what you think is humour is the truth, he may say he works with dead bodies, is a medical man and may go on trips a lot (to bump off Bloggers) he will say how busy he is but really hes lurking that would be a good cover story , keep yer eyes open and yer pick forks ready.

Interpol did indeed contact me but their e-mail was in some kind of dirty language, fucking foreigners, that was no help how am I to know what tete de merd means?

National Kilt Day.

Are you Yanks all wearing yer kilts today?

Special K Wins Again.

Those were the days when I was a wrestler.' Special K' I was known as, because I am Special and me name is Knudsen, get it? that was before special was a nickname for a mong and before the fucking cereal that took me to court and forced me to stop using the name, I even came up with a merger idea, Old Knudsen kicks the shite out of you, Special K shites the shite out of you, but no, they ended up going for female models with perfect bodies to entice morons to buy it, you can see me in this photo while I was in me prime with both legs and firm man tities, I could get the fatsos to buy the cereal look at me I'm 90% muscle and 20% charm, fucking buy it you fat shites, and soon you could look like me. A lost chance for the company to be sure, and where are they now?

I've fought and destroyed Wrestlers like, Bomber Harris, Pee Wee Sherman and The Bridgeport Fister, I was a champion, me on my own was a tag team, they knew they were going to get hurt when they enter my ring, "enter my ring at yer peril" I would say to them and they would giggle nervously I suppose you could describe it.
I tried to get more than one at a time into my ring,"c'mon ya pansies I can take 5 of yous at once , I'm a real man".

My classic move would be the money shot then I would rip their ass apart, if you think its fake then look at all the blood as I pounded away, the ring would be slippery and covered in blood but that's the way I like it.

Boys all over Europe and even in the States practiced the money shot, I was a sort of hero, my move has even been featured in many movies, I never received any residuals for it but I don't mind the fame and the glory was enough for me, like a modern day Gladiator.

When I had to change my name because of the court case everything changed. Me as the Fighting Fogey never drew in the crowds, a fickle lot Blog readers, er I mean Wrestling fans. I'd lost in court and they just didn't want to know anymore.

In case you're wondering, its ok to wear the Saltire as Wrestling shorts as long as you smash yer enemies and get drunk before and after the battle so I brought pride to my fine flag. I was a little worried that they made me look ghey though.

Dropping Like Flies.

Ex president Gerald Ford died during a freak bungie jumping accident , he was aged 93.
Not much to say about him, he was born leslie jr and then his name was changed when his mum remarried, changed to gerald, yeah great change.
He was never elected Vice president nor President, his mate Nixon appointed him as VP when his old one got caught in a bribe scandal, as we all know Nixon hated crooks.
When Nixon got caught accidentally bugging the rival political parties' HQ (its ok to bug citizens but not other politicans) Ford then became President, old boys network and all Ford then pardoned Nixon which probably cost him the next election .
Gerald's son Harrison also became president for a while and then the fuzzies knew not to fuck with America after he kicked their arses.

So that's Palance, Pinochet , Brown and now Ford, I say they go in groups not threes or there'll be another two, I had better go in for a checkup.

Blonde Joke.

Heres a joke thats a little late but still funny, for those intelligent Blonde weemen out there my apologies but the dopey ones do give you all a bad name, at least it doesn't say what big capitalist country she probably comes from as well, Babs you are to blame for having Tara Reid's boob hanging out on yer Blog.


Christmas Postage

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, 21 Baptists and 1 Episcopalian.

Don't Fuck With Me Bush, I Eat Cunts Like You For Breakfast.

Me with my Keeling cap.

I don't like to brag as you all know. I did however serve with the Yanks while I was in special farces. I can't tell you too much about it or I'd have to kill you. I already have a list of Bloggers that I'm gonna kill for various reasons. I won't give names but if there are any commie anti-monarchists out there beware.
I have indeed sculptured the world in my own humble way, and Yanks make up yer fucking minds, first you want General Noriega, and then you don't. I don't get paid extra for this you know it comes out of my pocket. That Bush man is forever e-mailing trying to get me to kill heads of state that bug him, like the other day he said that Mahmoud Ahmaddinejad called me a kiddie diddler and was going to have a conference about it, well I saw red. I got me cammo paint on my face and my killing cap on and while I was putting me piano wire up my sleeve it occurred to me that maybe Bush was lying, so I e-mailed a few of my middle east contacts and googled for a bit and no, just like that time when Bush told me that Kim Jong Ill said that my eyes were too close together and that I must be a Catholic, that fucker is so lucky to be alive right now, that Castro cunt will be going after the hols as I know he did call me a sweaty ball licker and that's after I helped defend his island during the bay of pigs fiasco .
Have you ever put on cammo paint? clogs yer pores big time and it makes you sweat like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs .
Well to get back to the point I have learned a few things about the American flag, old Glory as they call it.
It has to be raised at dawn and lowered at sunset, it can only stay out at night if it has a light on it and must not be raised during bad weather.
When the American flag passes you , you Yanks must salute or stand to attention, those yanks salute all the time,hat on hat off. Citizens take off their hats and hold it over their hearts with their right hands, or if without a hat they just hold their hands over their heart.
We Brit soldiers only salute it we are wearing our army headdress otherwise we stand to attention, just a wee bit of info fer you.
Remember after 9/11 the Americans all went uber patriotic for 3 weeks and all the Pakies and the Sikhs got beat up because Yanks don't do international and don't know any better and flag sales increased? well tackiness and ignorance showed big time, we have the same problem in Britain, idiots wear the flag as clothes and say they are being patriotic, that twat Kid Rock cut a hole in a flag and wore it as a poncho on stage.

If you cast contempt over Old Glory , deface, defile, burn or trample it you'll get a fine of 1,000 dollars or imprisoned for a year, or both, yeah land of the free my arse, it conflicts with free speech somewhat but that whole country conflicts with itself.
Do not let the flag trail on the ground or in water, don't place an emblem on or above it, don't use it for decoration, use bunting, do not use it as a costume or athletic uniform . ok have you got all of that? there are ways to hang it long ways but I won't get into that.


Now I'm not going to make fun of 9/11 or Firefighters as the former is a terrible thing to happen and the later are brave/stupid enough to risk their lives for strangers and cats in trees and should be applauded. However, this image of the flag in a recreation of the Iwa Jima picture always makes me laugh, there is always some bloke supervising doing fuck all except to give handy unhelpful advice. The beer bellied guy on the left is that man," no pull that rope, no push it, put some effort into it ".

Us British types have the day/month/year when we give a date, yes it does make more sense than the American version but 11/9 doesn't sound that good.



I'm not American, no really but I don't see anything wrong with the way this flag is being flown, I would serve under this. Someone should tell her that horizontal stripes makes her twat look fat.

I was just thinking the other day while I was cleaning vomit off the bathroom walls. Remember when at the end of the TV viewing day, the national anthem would play we'd get images of the Union flag and the Queen in her carriage ? well that's a bygone time, TV doesn't end anymore, the young uns today won't remember TV ending ever, for them there is always TV on some channel, we only had 3 channels then now we've gone all American with 30 and above being the average number of channels, its a little disturbing, we didn't have 24 hour petrol stations, grocery stores or fast foods restaurants, and Sundays were like a deserted no man's land with nothing open.

What will be next? 24 hour daylight? giant flood lights in the sky acting as second suns, and sleep will be something yer grandparents did that you don't have any time for because you've got too much to do, I must play the latest video game while doing my shopping and talking on my brains free phone, the family want some quality time together, I'd better send them an e-card, why does life have to be so fast? what will the autobiographies be like then? maybe a collection of text messages about how service people aren't snapping to it when you enter their shop, because with all this technology hanging from yer nipples and stuck in yer ear and in yer head you must be a very important person.


I thought I was full of hate and self loathing but no, those people who cram every unimportant detail at twice the speed into their lives really really hate themselves, then when they get old they'll stop and say, "hey when did I get old?" and they will fear death that is approaching at an alarming rate because they never gave a second thought to anything but what they can get at high speed to fill some imagined void in their life. Faster, bigger, fully loaded and newer, that is what is valued now to make you a person of worth. Integrity and passion has been replaced by gadgets that will put an end to you ever having to lower yourself to do something for yerself, a super techno class of people who think they are better than the rest, A Brave New World.

Vomit makes me think.

Another Day At The Cock Fights, This One Gets Messy.

The above picture is of Tsar Nicholas II or Russia, do you see the scar on his forehead? while on tour in Japan before he was made Tsar in 1894, he was attacked by a sword wielding man who gave him his scar. Nicholas' cousin Prince George of Greece parried the second blow with his cane thus saving his life, the attacker's motives are unclear, I suspect penis issues, 95% of men have them , no he wasn't wielding a pork sword or beel bayonet.

As it is boxing day I was going to do a post about the Boxer rebellion , but who really gives a shit? well I don't and thats who really counts, so here is one of the most famous British Boxing icons and a little info on him, for those in the know, splash it on all over.


Henry Cooper, shared a locker room with kevin Keegan and his perm.

Henry Cooper is often regarded as the most popular of all British boxers and affectionately known to Britons as "Our 'Enry", a reference to his Cockney origins. He was at one time the British, European and Commonwealth heavyweight champion. Cooper fought Muhammad Ali twice, firstly in a non-title fight in 1963 at Wembley Stadium, when Cooper knocked Ali (then Cassius Clay) down in the fourth round with his trademark left hook, "Enry's 'Ammer". The bell rang before Cooper could complete a knockout, and Ali was so dazed that his trainer, Angelo Dundee, cut his glove. Another had to be fetched, giving the future champion time to recover. The British boxing newspaper 'Boxing News' conducted an investigation into the 'split glove' incident in 2003. Using the original television and radio broadcasts to determine length of time between rounds 4 and 5 it was discovered that Cassius Clay only gained 5 seconds extra and not the mythical 3-5 minutes. The gloves were never changed. After this fight a spare pair of gloves was always required ringside. Ali was obviously impressed by the knockdown and on the 40th anniversary telephoned Cooper to reminisce. Ali later said, on British television, that Cooper "had hit him so hard that his ancestors in Africa felt it". In 1966 they met a second time to contest the world title. Cooper succumbed again to his weakness, a tendency to cut, and Ali went on to be "The Greatest".

Where did the name Boxing day come from? well the toffs used to leave their castles the day after Christmas to have sport at the expense of the poor people, they would get the riff raff and cut off their ears and put them into boxes wrap them up and give them to poor children to see the looks of horror on their faces as they realize that have severed ears instead of a toy.
The term to box yer ears is also derived from this practice . Saint Stephen is the patron saint of the deaf.

The Blog Ripper.

Yes I am Old Knudsen, hey stop taking my fucking photo, who are you? News of the world? she looked 18 how was I to know?

Try to stay with me people, you know the way a Blogger comes on and is around for a bit and then just suddenly stops ? yeah sure you do well I suspect we have a serial killer amongst us.

I'm trying to see a pattern for the killings but I suspect this has been going on for years. I need your help people it could be any one of us, but not me as I'm writing this so therefore you can trust me. Probably a troll without a blog of their own that lurks getting as much info on his/her (probably a his as weemen are crap serial killers) target before they jet off and kill them.

Their home has a den no doubt with pictures of avatars over the walls and their favourite posts printed out, are you getting creeped out yet? I know I am, as me being a very important Blogger. I didn't say popular I said important as its a little known fact that I saved blogging but I won't get into that but I'm sure to be a target.

I don't want to alarm you all but we're all gonna be slaughtered. I think some Bloggers have a run in with this killer and are too frightened to continue to Blog, and people say," hey why don't you Blog any more?" and they make up some shit but you can tell they are frightened, those that just vanish are dismissed as being nuts or emotional so we all accept it as we didn't really know them anyway.

I name this serial killer the Blog Ripper.

Well ok I don't know how they are killed and if I find out no doubt I'll change the name to suit, how many reports on murders mention that murder victims have Blogs? see? the authorities are on to it and are trying to hush it up. I fully expect an e-mail from Interpol very soon telling me to keep this quiet and will I be bait for the killer, will I like fuck go to my links for that .

On a personal note, rest in peace in Blogger heaven. Me and Indigo Montoya .

Hanuman and Capgras Delusion I hope you are both safe.

Don't give into threats or intimidation be a martyr for Blogging and yer name will live on until we delete yer useless lifeless link on this I swear.

Hot Midget Fisting Action

She will she will behead you.

Did you watch the Queen's speech? she one of those natural beauties that only gets better with age, she has that posh bint accent like that Nigella cooking bird that makes me feel all rough and manly. I had company over so I had to put a cushion on my lap as Kenny (my penis) was standing to attention for her majesty. Language experts have said that since Queen Elizabeth II started out in the Queeny business she has lost a lot of her upper class talking doon to you way of speaking, she still sounds like a toff but not so much now.

ID cards,Crime, terrorism, drugs and anti-social behaviour were some of her key topics, I love the term 'Anti-social behaviour' its what the hoods accuse you of before they break yer legs for stealing cars or breaking into hooses around their area of town, punishment beatings are very social events in themselves, they bring people closer together, even just for a short and very violent time.

She closed it with
My Lords and members of the House of Commons.
I pray that the blessing of Almighty God may rest upon your counsels.


I want to play lowly the stable hand with Nigella Lawson, how do you want yer eggs in the morning Luv ? fertilized?

I wasn't mentioned in the Christmas honours list again, if I make it through the winter theres always next year, hell I'm not even on Blogs of note yet, who do I have to give a Rimjob to around here?

James Brown's Body Is A Rotting In The Grave.

Looking good for the ladies.

James brown the Godfather of soul Crackhead and woman beater has died, ah well.
Famous for get up a get on up, get up a get on up, Old Knudsens a sex machine, also that Rocky song, living in America.

Yeah yeah influenced everyone and is in the rock and roll hall of fame with Elvis and Chuck berry, you remember Chuck Berry right? the guy that had cameras in the ladies' restrooms in his own restaurant.
Brown had diabetes from his love of barbequed Chicken no doubt and prostate cancer that was in remission, he was being treated for pneumonia and was looking forward to getting high, waving a shotgun about and taking the police on a high speed car chase and a new years eve show also, but his big old heart gave out on him, a tragedy to be sure.

I have a James Brown story, I was on a bus a while back and there was a black man at the back of it listening to a walkman, every now and then he would shout out like a tourettes nutter, "james brown, black mother fucker, somebody hit me" the driver told him to keep in language doon but he kept saying it, so I shouted, "for god sake somebody hit him" and the bus erupted into laughter and the driver threw him off, I was all for just throwing him but the driver being nice came to a stop.

Fuck Christmas and respect for the dead etc I didn't like him (no shit) and he would go into my list of being overated, you can be a Crackhead all you like but as soon as you hit a woman dying in a fire is too good for you, I have spoken.

Gone but unfortunately won't be forgotten .

Its Christmas Time, Theres No Need To Be Afraid.

This is was my first mate from the good ship Red Rocket, my second mate was a lot more rugged.

Some ramblings I've prepared for Christmas day as visitors and the Queen's speech will keep me away from the computer for a number of hours today, why don't those people go away, what do they want of me? as I mentioned before I went to the pound shop and got some photo frames, and yes they were a pound, I love to play the old fool and ask how much things are, in fact I was the one that got the management in our local pound shop to put up signs saying, "no need to ask, everything costs a pound", the manageress is a small wee woman with a deformed leg, well I'm assuming its deformed or why would she walk like that all the time? I'd have a go at her, I don't give a fuck about her disability, I'm not shallow, its her arse I'm an admirer of, all that awkward walking has made it into a thing of beauty, see ? I am deep.
I photocopied pictures of myself, the very one on my avatar as I think I look sorta Burt Reynolds from Deliverance in it, 50p a copy at the library it cost and with the frames the whole thing cost £15.00, that's £5.00 more than I had expected, I don't even like the cunts I'm giving them to but you have to be polite, I mean some of them are family and you might want something from them later.
I did decide to sign the pictures by the way, it gives them a personal touch.

I was watching on the news the Christmasy stories they report on and one was about how a shop in Bethlehem, the birth place of our lord and savior Jesus H Christ, that made and sold Rosaries will soon be out of business, as for some reason the Christian tourists are no longer going there, in fact Christian tourist visits are just a tenth of what they were in recent years. Here is my final solution, stop bombing the shit out of the tourists, you can't expect their faith to be strong enough to get them to go, those types of Christain fanatics go over and stick their noses in and end up on hostage videos. Why the fuck would you buy a Rosary in Bethlehem? Jesus was a Protestant ya morons, well ok, its obvious that Mary was a catholic because shes in all the chapels, go to Rome for your Rosaries go to Israel for................. ok I have no idea why you would want to, well if their business fails they want to emigrate to America, Rosary making crazy fuckers, they'd fit in there alright, a load of nutters.

Speaking of nutters, Poland wants to name Jesus King and Mary (his mum) Queen, the country is 70% Catholic so to those silly bastards it makes sense, I feel it is my duty to inform them that both fictional characters of Jesus and Mary are well dead. I found this to be a problem when I tried to make Rapunzel with the long hair Queen of Scotland.

Happy Christmas to lovers of weemen.
I like weemen, I like their bouncy bits and the way our bodies interconnect, oh and child bearing hips, and if they can make a good cup of tea I'll even take em ugly.

Hey while we're on the subject of soap powders , do ya ever send something to your own e-mail box in order to use it later then about 5 minutes after sending it you look up and think "oh I wonder who sent me an e-mail" and then open it ? well if you do you're a dozy cunt cos I never do that. oh no not me.

Babsbitchin that terrible firebrand of a woman tagged me (in the arse) with 5 things people don't know about me, I thought I had covered it in my 101 things on fake old man balls but no so here we go.

1) Everytime I see a Geranium I rub a leaf and smell it, also Lavender and tomato plants but mostly Geranium.

2) Lesbians don't do much for me, seeing them make out is kind of boring. I don't know why guys are supposed to get all hot and bothered, or is it just the media that says we should?

3) My balls shrink up to nothing in cold weather and are sore even to the lightest touch so I try to never scratch them then.

4) When I read books or news papers, (old or new) I sniff the pages and sometimes lick them .

5) When I was a young man I had acne, I would fill the sink up with very cold water and submerge my face into it for as long as I could, it helped my acne and got my bangs the way I wanted them.


In turn the 5 people I tag are these 5 guys, if you don't do this then you are a scabby pus dripping cunt.


So enjoy yer Turkey, if you're a vegetarian, Buddhist , Hindu or all of the above get with the program, I am the way.

I write this part while totally drunk on the early hours of the 25th, to all my Scottish readers, well I love you all and hope you live for ever, to all my English, Welsh and Cornish Readers, um hello friends, to all my Ulster Scots friends keep looking up, to my Irish readers, stay away from the C4, to all my French, German,Italian , Austrailian, Slavic and south American readers stop searching for pedos you sick fuckers. To all my American readers, read me but don't believe me, to my Canadian readers, I love you both,to my New Zealand reader stay off the pot.
To all my readers and commenters, I wouldn't have continued on for so long if if wasn't for you, thankyou for validating my existence, please feel free to comment , e-mail or shout at yer VDU , you become my mates when I know you .

Happy Christmas to you one and all, oh and now you've read this fuck off.

Commercial Break

Check out Fake Old Man Balls for a look at the art I do.



Update

more stuff added.

You Santa Bear Lovers.

So let me get this straight, you want this man to cum into yer hoose and stand over the beds of your sleeping children? you unfit parents, shame on the lot of yous.

It Be Big Red And Slimy And I Be Afraid Of It. No Thats Only Ken Livingstone.

A team of Japanese Scientists have caught the 30 foot squid that has been sinking local Japanese fishing boats over the last 3 years, it is the first time one has been caught on film never mind actually caught. I feel validated after all of these years hunting the 6 seas for 'Big Red' the 60 foot Giant Squid, that snatched my cabin boy little Micky Dolenz off the deck of my boat with one of his giant testicles, dragging him to the icy depths and doon to Davy Jones' locker room .

Now will ya all believe me? I am e-mailing this post to the Spanish authorities who said that I killed him due to a love triangle between me, little Micky and the cook, well shove that in yer extradition order, now I just have to convince the Canadian police that my mountain guide dirty Pierre was beat to death by a Sasquatch, I saw the whole thing, that's why I was covered in his blood, you believe me right? what kind of monster would lie on Christmas eve?

We need a bigger boat.

The Jap scientists took their pictures and measurements and then continued their hunting of Whales for scientific research, expect Giant Red Squid to turn up on menus beside the Whale and rice all over Japan this week.

Old Knudsen Makes History Yet Again.

A new phrase as coined by Old Knudsen to describe modern day country music as sung by Faith Hill and the Dixie Chicks and numerous others , feel free to use it .

Cuntpop

What A Stupid Looking Cunt.

What a stupid look this guy has on his face, you can tell the lights are on but there is no one home.

Ali G or Richard Reid, whatever yer name is I think you were a lot funnier as a wise guy than a shoe bomber, was it the Madonna video that drove you over the edge? ah well comic genius perhaps I am also destined to fail to blow up my shoes in an amateur and silly way and end up for the rest of my life in prison being shafted up the ass by the Aryan brotherhood.

In happier and more trendy times.

Dirty Pedo Searching Shites.

Or Pedos should all be executed, you dirty sick shites.

He looks like a normal enough bloke, nothing serial killer about him.

The world is a scary shitty place with scarce oasis' of niceness. When I was a lad I could ride my bike for miles and no one would be worried about whether or not I was going to get abducted, its not that back then you didn't have pedophiles its just that the news wasn't bombarded with stories about them.
Now a days there are pedos around every corner waiting to nab yer child, you eye suspiciously those who are put in charge of yer child such as Teachers and Doctors the world seems to be a scarier place, or is it because the world is smaller due to technology?
I sometimes use colourful language in my posts, a lot of times just to insult people and other times to just turn up on google searches to waste the time of the perverts, sure I expect dirty rude words from the Germans and any Slavic readers. I get pedo , fuck, hot midgets, porno and then theres the "what can a man put up his anus that feels good?" I can't believe someone had to Google that, try Preparation H ya losers, also who asks "can you get sick from eating old sperm? " how old? did you forget to put it into the fridge? or is it from an old guy?
I got a weird one from Argentina, not a big surprise for me as we all know what they are like. "old man to violate little to touch feel " yeah ok then but the worse thing was is that I was the first entry on the search.

Old Bitter Balls- [ Traduzca esta página ]
Kenny would be what my penis is named, please feel free to tell me the name of yer ... Hadon Powell; "A scary little man for sure ." -- Robyn; "Old Knudsen ...oldbitterballs.blogspot.com/ - 79k - En caché - Páginas similares

At least a couple of other pervs besides me got mentioned.
I have been disappointed with Australia recently as I have had numerous searches for pedo,
they used to be such nice people those Aussies.

Have you been following the case of the Suffolk Ripper in the news that had 5 prostitutes dead , well now they call him a Strangler as nothing was ripped, poor media, they try so hard sometimes.
Well one of the guys under suspicion is named Tom Stephens and he works (or rather did, I'm sure they'll get rid of him) for the supermarket chain Tesco, he met all the gurls that were killed at some point before their deaths as he was a regular for call gurls, he was sad and lonely you see.
He also had a Myspace site. Everyone knows that if you're over 19 and have a Myspace site you're either a pedophile or you aren't taking aging very well. Now you can be a serial killer too.

Even if he didn't kill those gurls he should get some form of punishment for being a sad fucker who can't have a relationship without paying for it, maybe there is something lacking in yer personality lad like um a personality, you made enough effort with driving out and getting the hookers try building yer own character.

An expression I read over at Bench as written by Tony was about a man in a santa outfit walking through a park early in the morning looking for kids, "A pedo on a mission" I just find that so funny, fuck I need to get out more.

Son You Don't Have To Fight To Be A Man.

Blessed are the lamb chops for they will get in my belly.

I want to tell you about a time when I knew a man who started life as a simple carpenter but went on to become known to all and effect the way we live our lives. Yes I am talking about Harrison Ford, I would so wear that Indiana Jones khaki outfit with his hat and whip but I'm a fucking Spring, only those fucking Autumn coloured people can get away with that. The man is a twat, there that's him discussed.
Coincidentally another ex carpenter man I wanted to talk about was Jesus, I wasn't always the fine upstanding protestant you see before you, no, I was a sinner a drinker, a fornicator , a teller of falsehoods and I also sacrificed homeless people to the dark Gods. Yes I have indeed changed my ways as I never lie and hardly ever get my hole. A few years back I was a disciple for Jesus ,not an apostle, that would be Rod and his staff of comforters, like tech support for us. My main duties were to write scripts for him, put up posters and handout leaflets advertising the shows and to wash his feet . The feet washing was a little too close to my comfort zone for my liking.

Jesus was the son of God, well that's what he told us, I think he was embarrassed because his real Da was in a cult called the Essenes, a weird lot to be sure, like the Masons but instead of a secret handshake they hump each other's legs until they get a happy ending. He kept insisting he was from a virgin birth but everyone always brought up the bloodline that went back to King David thing he wasn't fooling anyone, hey I used to tell people that I was adopted and my real parents were dead, didn't make it true.

Moses messed everything up over on mount Sinai, he didn't bring doon the tablet that mentioned that everyone should be Protestant if they expect to get into Heaven (as all the Jews up in Heaven kept starting wars) so it was up to Jesus H Christ the first great protestant to set things right, to be honest the lad was a bit soft and kept going on about if someone hits you turn the other cheek to let them hit you there and if someone sues you then give them your cloak as well, how dumb can you get? to quote the Kenny Rogers song 'Coward of the county' " sometimes you gotta fight when you're a man".
He didn't believe in fighting for himself but his minder Peter always had a sword hidden to chop off an ear when needed.

I'm a kill all the trouble makers kinda of guy and that's the only way towards peace, just like God would, those fucking Hivites, girgashites and the Cannanites, kill them all and take their lands so that the master race er I mean the chosen people can live there, its God's will and you can't argue with that, well you could but you'd be wrong so when I wrote my first draft of the beatitudes they didn't go doon too well, not what he was looking for.

Blessed are the heavily armed for they understand the way of the world.
Blessed are those who run pubs for they are my best fucking mates.
Blessed are the children for they will inherit the Earth or whats left of it after we're done.
Blessed are those who hunger in the name of fashion and porno mags.
Blessed are apathetic traffic police for they shall not nitpick over 10 MPH.
Blessed are the pure of heart or as its also said,"a sucker born every minute" for they shall buy my swamp land to build thier hoose on.
Blessed are the meat pie makers for they shall be called the sons of God, yummy!
Blessed are those that support the death penalty for they are doing God's work.
Blessed are the bloggers but only those that read Old Bitter Balls, fuck the rest.

That's all I got to before Jesus twitched his finger and Peter threw on out of the room.
Everyone knows that Jesus was a little touchy about divorce, that was because his wife Mary Magdalene made sure he knew and understood the ground rules as he preached them to his flock of giggly teenage gurls who were in need of a good hard blessing and others who were just afraid to die and wanted to exist forever in fairy land listening to the Heavenly choir, fuck that, there had better be cable put in by now.

My humour was not always appreciated by jesus and the other disciples, when a woman was caught in the act of adultery the Scribes and the Pharisees brought her to Jesus and said that Moses (yes that fucker was a nutter) in the law commanded that she be stoned to death and to try to trick Jesus they then asked what would he do? (what would Jesus do?) Jesus drew in the sand distracting the priests while we slipped him a note with the answer, "he who is without sin among you , let him throw the first stone", oh c'mon I couldn't help myself a nice flat rock lay at my feet, that was my last day as a disciple they quickly replaced me with someone called Lebbeus Thaddaeus , I mean what a dork that guy was, lucky shotguns hadn't been invented then or this disgruntled employee would of taken the lot of them out.
I ended up going to the biggest trouble makers in town, it was a gang called The Jews, I told them my name was Judas Iscariot, as he was a skinny Goth dude that wrote poetry and therefore automatically suspicious of any wrong doing it was a perfect cover and I made up shit about how Jesus hugged trees and said that dreidels were lame so they went to the Romans and demanded justice.

A white blue eyed fella from the Middle east that wears sandals and is a bit of a sissy.

Jesus wasn't a bad lad, he just wanted a compound full of his young firm friends that would worship him unquestioningly, I don't feel bad about touting on him, one less hippy, I'm the one people should feel bad for, do you see a disciple in the Last Supper painting wearing a flat cap ? and 30 pieces of silver isn't much after tax , poor Judas though, what a goat.


If this post offends any of my readers then I'm very sorry. Only kidding away and fuck, go to the Scottish Embassy and burn a Saltire if ya like, at least I didn't make fun of him for wearing a nappy on the cross.

Dedicated to all the Pagans on this day of the Winter Solstice, the rebirth of the Sun.



For further unfunny religious reading go to here.

The Christmas Spirit.

I've already warned you about this fella.

Things That go Munch In The Night.

I just want to apologise to all of Scotland, for a few years back, I did indeed fire Robert Burns. It was during my time in the food industry, Mr Burns was to get a stocklist doon from upstairs. I could see him on the monitor downstairs as I cashed up tills, a very industrious young man going from the chiller/freezer to the lift (elevator) filling it up with boxes, I happened to notice his mouth was in action, his cheeks were bulged out like a chipmunk and my supervisor senses were tingling. He was nearly done so it was a good time to confront him.
I put the cash in the safe and went upstairs where I found Mr Burns with sugar from the frozen donuts all around his face, he knew the game was up and went quietly, a silly thing to get fired for but its called zero tolerance. He hasn't written much in recent years, I hope it didn't scar him emotionally.
I found a whole stack of half eaten donuts doon the back of the freezer during stock take. I suspect Mr Burns was the tip of the Ice burg, I bet it was those fucking Bronte sisters, bitches.



This is a true account of what happened, the names have not been changed to protect the guilty, as then it wouldn't have made it to become a post. Have you ever fucked over a person with a famous name ? if so the Blog world wants to know.

Scanner Happy.

This is me a few years back on Boa island in Northern Ireland, the name Boa has nothing to do with big snakes but means Island of cattle, and it was true there were a load of cows there, not sure who the little fella is though, smells pagan to me.

This is Newgrange in the Republic of Ireland,a 5,000 year old tomb older than Stonehenge and the pyramids and is still bone dry inside, you can take stones from it as a souvenir and they won't notice.



Carrickfergus castle, built in 1180 and I should know as I was a stone mason for 'Norman the builders' back then, a 90 ft keep and 8 ft thick walls, Prince Charles has even gone out of his way to photograph it.


Cardiff castle, what can I say about this? very pretty maybe, it has a lovely clock tower and looks very vulnerable to attack, no wonder the Welsh gave in so fast.

This has been a few of the photos I have taken on my journeys , no flash phoney cameras just yer usual prints onto paper thingys, fuck yer modern technology . I've gone scanner happy, somebody stop me. If you ask me where are my pictures of Scotland well i'll say, you go on holiday to take pictures ya silly cunts.

My Lovely Boat.

Success my lord! I won't tell you what official government computer I swiped it from but I managed to gain a USB cable for my old scanner. A month ago or so I mentioned to Kav about the boat I used to fish on about 20 years ago, a great wee boat, a 20 ft clinker built wooden joby, not my boat but I loved it, it had lines like a Viking ship. We keep them on a line that's on a pulley and pull the boat to shore, those big plastic buckets would be my work station, they would be full of sides and heads of fish we used for bait for the crabs, I'm so glad I could show this to you all.

Overrated Over Sexed And Over Here.

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Anonymous Strikes Again

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The Truth About The DaVinci Code.

Whats that Pedo doing with that little gurl? oh its just Tom Wanks and his co-star.

Billy one ear gave me a bell to tell me that he saw Bobby doon at the video shop renting out some movies, so me and Billy met up and bought a couple of bottles of beat the wife and headed over to Bobby's hoose. We just got there as his wife Carol was heading out, she had her hair done up and was wearing makeup, must of had a date a fine looking woman.
Bobby was his usually sad sack self, still jumpy after St Andrew's day and his hair hadn't grown back yet.
The films he had rented out was 'Flightplan' and 'The DaVinci Code', he was just going to watch them on his own, luckily we are good friends there to keep him company. I was all happy about Flightplan until I found out it wasn't that one with the snakes on a plane, can't remember the title right now, so as punishment for not getting it we got Bobby to rustle up some chips and a couple of burgers, hes a fair old cook.
So when we had some food we put the movie on, see how considerate we were to wait for Bobby? so no angry e-mails like last time we treat him well , we even gave him a litre bottle of White Lightning to drink, its funny, every time he takes a swig from the bottle he makes a face, what a pansy.

So that Da Vinci Code, what the fuck was that about ? Tom Wanks and a fit french bint looking for the Holy Grail, Opus Dei , the Priory of Scion and the North America Man Boy Love Association, fuck sake I hate it when wankers go around making up history and shit, aren't people stupid enough? anyway I had already read the book, you know, 'The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail. If you watch it you can believe the stuff about Emperor Constantine and about the Church killing loads of weemen in fact did you know the Catholic Church also had a bounty on the heads of any cats as they thought they were evil, yeah I'd really trust them to get you into Heaven. The bit about the Templars was well manipulated, some day I may post the truth as I was the only Protestant Templar there.

Ok what was with Tom Hank's hair ? the older Hollywood men get the darker and unnatural it gets, Bill Pullman and Pierce Brosnan being two others to get the treatment.

See many 6 foot 2in albino monks with a limp going about killing many people these days ? yeah pick an assassin that will blend in, good one.

The action was choppy and very contrived, did Ron Howard just do a half arsed job and hoped to get by on the controversy ? there was nothing to blow you away with or surprise you with.
I'm not going to spoil the ending because if you read this and still want to see it you you're a mong and deserve it besides I couldn't spoil the ending it was already spoiled. Yes the French chick was a descendant of Jesus and Mary Magdalene but can't do jack shit magic because the whole point is they were just people and its what you believe that counts anyway even though you're a moron, isn't that right Mahmoud?
By the time Ian McKellen turned out to be a bad guy I couldn't give a shit. Tom Hanks is always going to have a soft side to him because he doesn't look tough, all through the film I was hoping he'd get it on with the dirty Jesus gurl but its Tom Hanks, hes sensitive and slowly , romantically makes love, no quick rough shagging from behind with biting and slapping from him, the most action he got was from the monk that beat him up.

Just think if you did shag a descendant of Jesus, what a story to tell yer mates, of course bragging about sexual conquests is very ungentlemanly unless shes 'really' famous or 'really' fit then its expected, a post on how I nailed Shirley MacLaine (I drove her insane with lust you know) is begging to be wrote.

Nothing to do with the post really I just liked the gurl.

If an Atheist had children from the descendant of Christ would he slap them about and say "wheres your God now ?" Atheists can be just as nuts as fundies, if you don't believe in God fair enough but why get all bent out of shape about it ? its not like you're going to burn forever in a pit of fiery hot Hell fire stuff now is it? I don't give a shit, I'm safe for the Rapture so do what ya like.

So to round off, its a shit obvious movie that depends on the viewers to be thick. Yes we did get back at Bobby for renting it, while he was at the bog Billy pissed into his bottle, funny as fuck when he drank from it, you always take yer open drink with you, what kind of mong trusts their mates?

Happy Birthday Brad, Heres Old Knudsen's Homo Erotic Post Fer Ya.

Will it be like Charlton Heston ? you can tell what year the film was made if he took his shirt off on not in it.

Brad Pitt, born 18th December 1963, Shawnee, Oklahoma, USA. Raised in Springfield, Missouri.
Parents: Jane (family counsellor), Bill (trucking company owner), Siblings: Doug (brother) and Julie (sister).
Do ya feel like you know the guy now? na me neither.
His Gurlfriend right now is Angelina Jolie, Hubba Hubba they have a child together Shiloh and two 3rd world adopted ready made servants for her Maddox and Zahara.
Brad's nickname at school was Pittler and he started smoking aged 11, only poor people and movie stars smoke these days.

To prove Brad's love of the environment he has a white Toyota hybrid, this he parks beside his black Mercedes G500 SUV and black Jeep Cherokee, yep a fucking hybrid owning hypocrite.

He has a fear of Spiders and Sharks, ok I've seen Jaws, pretty scary, but Spiders? what, are you a woman ? (no offense to any weemen reading this, you complete me) is this the same guy that stood up to torture in Spy games and making out with Catherine Zeta yucky in Oceans 12 ?

Brad started acting for real in 1987 but we only really know him from Thelma an Louise, he had blah roles in Cool World and Kalifornia during which he shagged and broke up with Juliette Lewis then he went on to make Interview with the Vampire and Legends of the Fall.
He can do those pretty boy roles real good, he messes himself up to look tough and rough but still hes way too pretty, we'll even forgive him for dodgy hair.

Kalifornia
Go on Brad, kill David Duchovny for all those bad career choices hes made.

He made the cool Seven where he met and shagged Gwyneth Paltrow, and during that movie his acting device is vigorously rubbing his wet hair.
In 95 he made The 12 Monkeys which was a brilliant performance then he made The Devil's own playing an IRA man with a bad Northern Irish accent.
He also played a bit part as a stoner in True Rromance .
If you haven't seen Fight Club then you're just so uncool, it contains the fantastic line,"do you want to finish her off?" followed by the snap of a rubber glove.
In Snatch he played a dirty Traveller, Gypsy, Gypo, Knacker or Pikey whatever you want to call them, what a great film on so many levels, that was before Madonna had sucked all of the talent out of Director Guy Richie.

I wan a caravan in Periwinkle fer me ma, do ya like Dags?

In Oceans 11 he went all Robert Redford and used food as an acting prop in a lot of scenes, yet another brilliant movie its a pity about the sequel, that was a money making exercise.
In troy he looked so ghey in his skirt and sticking his thing into everyone, yes I own that film.
Then in Mr and Mrs Smith he met his dream woman and got rid of his boring as fuck whats the big deal wife.

For Xmichra, a typical American couple, can't wait for their sex tape , the debate as to who has the best blowjob lips continues.


You just know that Angelina Jolie is an animal in the sack, she may be a little crazy but who isn't ? she goes all around the world doing good for people like Boner and Clooney. I wonder if celebs do that because they notice the poverty in the 3rd world more because they are so out of touch with real living or they can do more there as their own country is full of bureaucrats?

Bad hair and a fake beard, still prettier than most gurls I know.


Angelina is estranged from her dad Jon Voight you may know him from films such as Midnight Cowboy, Deliverance and Mission Impossible, any other films are shite, of course he is nothing to me. I remember Dustin Hoffman, Burt Reynolds and Tom Cruise from those films . Jon put a shout out to Angelina's child on TV once, except he called her Sahara , doh! I don't know or care what the problem there is, I don't like Jon Voight.

This post was getting a little too ghey even for me.

Brad may have a lack of sensitivity according to his ex wife, but hes a good actor and even for a man hitting his mid 40's hes still very nice to look at if you are into that sort of thing. I salute you Mr Pitt whose name is slang for having a shit, that kind of fame is priceless.

Ed Norton says "Happy Birthday brad".

Of course Brad leads us on to Edward Norton or as he is sometimes called, the thinking woman's hunk.
Acting looks so easy and then you see a nice guy actor turn into a white supremacist who thinks nothing of kirbing someone and then you say to yourself, "shit, he can really act", you can't get yer head around it being the same fella.

Why is he doing a Bruce Willis smirk ? maybe because hes shagged Salma heyak, that lucky jammy bastard.