I was young and still had the spark of idealism in my eye and a green discharge from me knob.The 7th of December 1941 is said to be a day that will live on in in fammy. I have no idea what that means probably said by someone who was fucking well there.
World war two started in 1939 in case you Yanks didn't realise that and I'd already killed my quota of enemy by then and earned enough air miles and holiday time so I decided to go to Hawaii not for rest and relaxation but to learn from the Yanks how to fly the latest fighter planes.
During WWI, I once stole a German plane called a Focker. I flew that Focker dropping little bags of feces onto the enemy to count coup as the red Injuns taught me to. The Hun used to call me 'That shitty Focker from Killamory' yep nothing has changed.
Anyway Pearl harbour was a major source of wealth due to the giant pearls that grew there which is why the Yanks had a base there. Its not like the Hawaiinese had a choice about it they were too busy getting fat on the spam we supplied them with.
I had some training on the P-40's but was still a little shaky. I had just flown a tough training mission and was in my bunk with a young friend I had met in a bar. The sound of plane engines woke me up, I didn't recognise them, by the time I got up the planes had gone.
They were enemy recon but I didn't know that at the time.
It was Sunday morning and way too early for my liking but I got up anyway as I had to see a man about dancing bear that would make me rich.
Just before 8am I saw planes that I had seen in Europe. I thought, "How can the same thing happen to the same guy twice?" either they had tracked me doon or they were after the pearls. I rushed to my Commanding officer as all hell broke loose, "I gotta fly Bill" I shouted at the panicked Yank, "Those Nazi cunts are destroying us" Bill nodded his head and said, "It was nice knowing you Knudsen" ok ok what he really said was " Do I look like I give a fuck? I didn't cum to Hawaii to fight its not our fucking war."
"Let me fly coach I'm ready."I was already in my flight gear as I like the way it gripped my crotch and so did everyone else. Chuck my mechanic said "No way Knudsen this plane isn't ready to fly yet its rear fuel manifold tamiloid could explode on you". I smiled at Chuck my dependable grease monkey and said, "sounds like fun."
Lt.Capt. Rafe McCawley shouted over to me "Our P-40's can't out run them we have to out fly them" what the fuck did he know? "Stick to looking heroic lad and let me do the work" I said. Matt Damon is a far better actor anyway.
I took off and the sky was buzzing with Nazi Stuka dive bombers. The Battleships were taking a beating something bad. I shot doon about 30 planes and saw they were even using midget submarines against the Destroyers, there is nothing worse than sneaky midgets so I sprayed the water with bullets not realising some dirty German got me from behind as they like to do.
I was pissing out fuel and the manifold tamiloid was heating up just like Chuck said, I pulled a hard G which relaxed me greatly and shot doon the back stabber with my last bullets.
I knew I was about to explode and thats when I saw a German U-boat on the surface of the water.
I aimed my aeroplane at the sub and sung the Killamory Anthem, "Oh my lass thought it nice when I slipped it in twice on the banks of the killamory" The explosion was fierce and I was ripped to pieces and thrown 90 metres away.
I lay there bobbing away hearing the Germans scream in agony and thought to myself well this is it old fella. Half of me was turned inside out and the back of my head was gone oh and I had lost a shoe. A great white shark smelled my blood and was heading towards me.
I had given up then I saw the Angel of Mongs floating above me, " C'mon Old Knudsen we still have work for you to do, what are you going to give up like a Yank or whine like a Sassanach?"
If there are two things I hate is being compared to an American or an Englishman, no offence all you American and English cunts out there you can't help it.
I got angry and pulled out my survival knife which should have been around my ankle but due to my wounds was a lot more closer to my inside out hands. I dodged the sharks teeth and cut into it's flesh. I then climbed inside it and controlled its sinews and drove it to land.
C'mon ya pussy its just a large Guppy make it yer bitch.I lay on the beach whittling out a needle from its bones and used sinew to sew myself up enough that I could walk 3 miles to get help.
The devastation was horrible with over 2000 dead. Years later when I watched Elvis in Blue Hawaii which was his first porno I had flashbacks and had to be sedated and put into a padded cell for my own safety but now I can talk about it.
I didn't want all the medals they pinned onto chest, don't call me a hero I'm just an average guy doing what anyone else would do.
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