Having sworn an oath to protect her Majesty and her heirs and successors I just want you to know what she means to me. We met in a darkened doorway in 1943 during an air raid. I thought she was yer normal auxiliary driver just trying to stay alive like I was. I used all my best lines on her as the Doodlebugs exploded nearby saying how we should embrace this moment in passion as it may be our last, she said her heart belonged to some Greek fella named Philip. I said I wasn't interested in her heart just a go at her quim. She smiled at my mannish roughness and we made passionate violent love in that dark doorway. We both exploded with far more intensity than any of the bombs and as we stood there spent and panting, we heard the all clear signal and giggled at the timing.We apologised to the other people who were also sheltering in the doorway and we parted, not knowing our fates would be intertwined from that moment onwards.
We met in a darkened doorway sheltering from the rain. He said, "Its a bit late to be oot and aboot" and offered me a drag of his joint. It was a ham shank, smoked. "So" I said to strike up some conversation, "Thats a nice bit of meat are ya a butcher?" He smiled that roguish smile that could melt the heart of a caveman frozen in ice, "Only a butcher of hoors and jokes" we both chuckled. He shook my hand and introduced himself, "My name is D**k Sm**h" His hand felt soft yet manly the hairs on it carrassed yer skin and made you think of sitting at a sunny window sill stroking yer favourite pussy.I stuttered out my name feeling like a lost little schoolgurl in a short plaid skirt, where could I get one of them at this time of night?
The rain let up and he excused himself, little did I know our fates would be intertwined from that moment onwards.
I stood for a moment inhaling his Brute aftershave that sat in the air like an eggy fart just then in the darkness of the doorway did I notice the slumped hoor in a pool of blood......... she wore a plaid skirt what are the odds in that?
We met in a darkened pet door, he was shaking from the cold as small dogs do, injecting Pedigree Chum straight in between the pads of his feet so on one would notice the track marks. "Turn yer life around rat dog" I said as he bared his teeth. "Turn away from Satan and look to the Lard for guidance you deserve better than this" I handed him a small bone that cleaned yer teeth and freshened yer breath, I smelled minty good and the ladies love it. Tears welled up in the small thin rat dog's evil pink eyes, "That is the most kindness anyone has ever shown to me senior" he said in a Mexican accent. We parted, not knowing our fates would be intertwined from that moment onwards.
Yes he did turn his life around. Its coming up to Christmas, what better time to irresponsibly not put any thought into it and buy a Beverly Hills Chihuahua? 
I had been brought doon town as I had been suspiciously hanging around dark alley ways. I was on tour with The Cure and sometimes stood in for Fat Bob when he was too drunk to sing which explains the lipstick.He came up behind me and pressed his hard Bat boomerang into my back. "Is that yer bat boomerrang or are you just pleased to see me ?" I asked with a chuckle, "Its actually my hard Bat cock as dressing up like this gives me the horn" I was worried at that point. "Are you trying to take over Gotham city or are you just some kind of a joker?" he asked. "No I'm just passing through we're playing Aberdeen tomorrow night" "my sympathies" he added.
He unstrapped his utili-belt and said, "I'm all dressed up if you want out of here there is something you must do for me first".
I rolled my eyes remembering how Superman hadn't lived up to his name. The thing that creeps me out about bats is that they always get in yer hair, he was no different.
We parted, and I made sure I never went near Gotham city again. Their crime prevention programs are harsh.
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