June Simmons was in the kitchen of her Surrey home about to make dinner for her inattentive husband and two ungrateful teenagers when horror struck.No sooner had she opened a box of Fish Fingers when a lemur high from a week long drink and drugs binge jumped through the window and ripped poor June to death, luckily one of the teens was able to take a photo on their mobile phone before they got fed up waiting for dinner and went to a friends hoose.
The lemur startled by a crucifix on the wall made its escape leaving bloodied paw prints as it went. Ted Simmons the husband of June choked back tears to say, "who is gonna cook my dinner now? those fucking lemurs they care for no one but themselves."
Terry the teenage son said, "its not fair" and stormed off to his room to mope and cry over his Emo CD.
A simple story of lemur violence, there are over 200 reported lemur attacks in the UK every year this has been one of them.
Tips to safe guard against a lemur attack
Close all windows and doors before opening breaded fish sticks or battered Cod.
Never wear bright colours as it attracts them.
Old woman perfume that chokes passers by also attracts them so cut it out.
Walk with confidence and be aware of yer surroundings, if you see a gang of lemurs hanging around a street corner turn and walk in the opposite direction.
Weapons are a last resort but a rolled up magazine used in a stabbing motion and car keys grasped between fingers and aimed at their bug eyes can give you a moment to escape.
If you are attacked make as much noise as you can yell, " free food " as no one will come if you scream, " lemur" its a sad fact of life but oh so true, go on stand in the street and yell lemur and see who cums near you.
Lemurs are a worldwide threat so contact yer local politician or warlord and ask them how they are safe guarding the people against the clawing menace that wants to kill you and rape yer lifeless leg.
Support Old Knudsen's ongoing campaign against lemurs by sending him money or panties. Take a stand and stomp a lemur today.
