When jesus got himself killed for our sins in a firefight with Jewish extremists I was devastated. I was on his links long before the other disciples but we parted ways after a falling out about circumcision. He wanted rid of his foreskin to piss off his dad God, the Jews had done this for years which is why they have had such a bad time of it and rightly so.
I said to JC that he could mutilate his own genitals if he wanted but leave his two sons Holy and Grail alone and if he was going to force them then he had for the sake of sexual equality better get his daughter Mary done too, fucking hypocrite let him think on that for a while.
I heard about his death from the space aliens who were just finishing their Ape experiments known as evolution or something, they had given up on those mongs in the middle east and left them as primitives and now wanted to create a superior race or master race called 'The Scottish'. I just had to get anal probed (yay) and to supply some of my jizz, a hand job from a Grey is a bit like a soapy wank, slimy wee fuckers.
When Jesus died for my sins without asking me I had enough . The Bible tells us about the existence of the other Gods you are not allowed to worship if you worship the Christian God so I set out to look for them.
Kali was a man hating man killer, yep yer typical feminist and scared the shit out of me with her crew cut hair do, bomber jacket and DM boots. Buddha was a wise and jolly bloke but I don't need some morbidly obese slap head telling me about self control.
I spent many an evening in Valhalla listening to the drunken tales of valor, the stories repeated themselves and got a bit boring but the drink was free. Loki was the only interesting fella there, he taught me the art of "not giving a fuck blogging".
The Greeks were very strange, Hera and Zeus were a bit like Bill and Hilary Clinton
so I had no respect for them, the rest of the Gs were like a bland version of Norse.
I got into worshipping mother nature which is all about venerating the earth until while dancing naked in the moonlight one ritual and I badly stung my balls in a patch of tall nettles, my hayfever was acting up anyway, fucking nature pave it over.
I eventually got a gold statue made of myself at Graven Images INC, I became my own God I cut out the middle deity no boss to live up to but yerself.
In Killamory a new club opened up called The Damasskiss, run by a Slav I reckon. One Saturday I knocked back 18 beers to get into the mood, it was getting dark by the time I started out on foot the 2 or 3 miles to the club, I was walking in zig zags so it was taking longer than expected.
The dark stretch along Traitor's road towards the humpbacked bridge I was amazed at all the stars I could see as there is no light pollution there, suddenly I was immersed in a great white light and struck to the ground , I struggled to see but was blinded. I heard a voice, "repent repent change yer ways" was that God I thought? and why does he sound like a woman? well that would explain the state of the world, then I heard the voice more clearly, "a dent a dent why were you standing in the way?" a plain woman in need of much makeup bent over me I could totally see doon her top to her fat belly in my inebriated state she was Pamela Anderson back when she was hot. Beer goggles are God's sickest joke.
The woman was the wife of a pastor who had recently ran off with a parishioner as they are prone to do. I was mostly unhurt but her Vauxhall Nova was a wreck.I don't know what she was going on about a dent for, weemen don't know about cars and can barely drive them, statistics show that yer more likely to be rear ended by a female driver than by a con in the prison showers.
We both started talking about fate and the will of God so we ended up in the back of the Nova and banged until the car disintegrated, what can I say I have that effect of weemen on the rebound looking for anonymous sex to fill that void of loneliness, comfort is my thing.
We met several times after that for sex which was always accompanied by an hour of sobbing. I couldn't help it I just love the touching of two souls, or was it because she used her teeth too much? I felt sorry for the big yoke so I let her be my common-in-law wife for a while and that's how on the road to Damasskiss I saw the light and returned to the loving, cruel ,unpredictable arms of the lord.
My relationship with Brenda only lasted 15 months when she finally found out that I wasn't a rocket scientist working for the Scottish branch of NASA and it was a pub I went to everyday and not work, some weemen will find fault with you no matter what, no wonder her husband ran off.
